Update, Dark Side of Criminal Minds and For Morgan: Fear of Night

Update

I wanted to keep you up to date and assure you I am still going to write often. In September (or August, hard to remember) there was a bunch of stress that lead me to a major flare up in my illness - So writing took a back seat.

Dark Side of Criminal Minds

    I also started connecting to a criminal spirit after a reader pointed out that one of the readings about a criminal reminded him strongly of a certain drug king pin. This became difficult and scary, and a wake up call about contacting certain kinds of spirits. The man himself was nice and cared about his family overall but he had a razor sharp dark stern side that I wasn't prepared to experience. I have a pretty high threshold for disturbing, being exposed to spirits since I can remember, but once in a while you get a spirit that is unusually inhuman. This spirit blasted the communication with joyous family moments, breathtaking vistas of places he had visited, lush memories of all the money he had which enriched parts of his life. But he also showed me the darker parts. His hands strangling the life out of someone, his hatred for a certain man close to him that he couldn't kill due to intricate politics in his crime organization, his joy for someone being tortured, his chagrin when police were so close to catching him and generally very unpleasant things.
    I think he wanted to share. I think he wanted to get certain things off his chest. At some point, when I am done our conversations, I will tell you all about it. Little bits at a time are enough, however, as my tolerance for such intimate communications of violence is fairly low. Thank you for your patience.

For Morgan: Fear of Night

    Quieter, darker and still.. the night affords all of us a better grasp of the world of the dead that the noisy, bright and busy day distracts us from. The more sensitive of us feel it even more and sense things around us during the night, even in a fully lit room with music playing and activities in full swing, sensitive people (people who are more in tune with the subtle things in our world) are able to feel spirits much more easily at night. This can be a terrifying and confusing ordeal.
This is very different from fear of the dark. Being in a dark room during the day and a dark room during the night should feel the same - yet for these sensitives.. they don't feel the same at all. This is a fear, I feel, caused by whatever sensory receptors we have to sense spirits (physical or metaphysical receptors) are stimulated. Like someone blowing on the back of your neck and the hairs stand up causing a tickle, the same type of reaction but feeling very different.
    The feeling is much like being watched or hunted, the feeling that you are in danger or at the very least like something is making eye contact. Sometimes it feels like your house isn't yours, you are the intruder. Sometimes it feels like you are in a horror movie and something is going to jump out and scare you at any minute. Sometimes it feels like you are being stalked by a predator. Sometimes it feels like there is a fire in your house but you can't find it. Sometimes it even feels like someone is waiting for you to say something, and they are running out of patience for the answer.
    So for those who have this sensitivity... how do you get rid of it? I can only tell you how I helped others and how got rid of the fear in myself, and how I developed my method for doing so. The work is yours to do, and the rewards are yours to reap.
    I used to be unable to sleep when I was younger. It took me a long time and I would often wake up my parents with creepy things like "there is a man at my bed and he won't stop looking at me" or "there are too many people in my room and they won't stop talking!" As I got older part of me got less sensitive to it just by time doing what time does. However, the fear wasn't gone - it was just less. That was when I could see spirits, sometimes spirits don't want you to see them, they just want you to feel them. As I got older I learned to meditate, and that helped me leaps and bounds more than any method I had tried. Good old visualizations of laying a brick wall around myself and my house, brick by brick no other trick to it. This meditation works for many things, and for this it was extra helpful. But there are other ways.
    For others who have come to me, who cannot see spirits, I had conversations with spirits about what the feeling is and what to do about it. Spirits are fountains of information and wisdom. As I asked spirits recently about this topic (I have been working on it for a while, trying to get as much help as I could within reason) I had a few different responses.
    Aliva (Ah-lee-VAH)Never heard that name before but I like it) is a spirit with short red curly hair and a proud beautiful face with perfect eyebrows, sharp deep hazel eyes and a gorgeous smile on olive tanned skin. She was a "conversa" ?or "gonversa" - never heard of that, her mother tongue isn't English so I'm not sure of some of the things she says. I would say she is Italian or Spanish or ? Anyways. She says "the trick to feeling better is to move!" (she is half joking) "sometimes spirits in the house don't like you being there and want you to leave. You can leave and find a house that feels better." So I asked if there was a way to combat the feeling without moving. She answered "Make friends with them. Let them know you respect that they also own the house in their way, and that you understand why they aren't happy. But you need to let them know that you bought the house and didn't know there were spiritual owners ok? Speak out loud and have a talk with them. Tell them you can be roommates or that you can just ignore each other. Spirits can be great allies if you treat them nicely, keeping an eye on the house when you can't - if you are sleeping, out of the house, or even in the shower. They can also warn you when things are wrong. That might be another reason you feel this fear - they might be warning you about something. If you can, look around the house and see if there's anything wrong - or examine your life and see if there is something you haven't yet noticed about your life. Good luck."
    Nick, Nicolas, is a handsome man in a tweed camel coloured suit and slick hair. He looks like he died in the 1950's, and is a kind soul. He has blue eyes and light brown hair. "The minute you start feeling that fear, you need to find something to do that relaxes you. The more you feel it, the worse it gets. Henny, my wife, used to massage her feet. I would do it sometimes but the action kept her focused. I never felt that fear but she did awfully. Stay calm and keep at it."
    Andrei is a hard to see spirit. But I can understand him so I will continue. "Breathing. In and out slowly, and focus on your favourite deceased person. Your Grandma or your favourite uncle.. Whatever. Ask them to protect you. But you don't need protecting. Spirits won't hurt you unless you really piss them off. It is rare, I have only heard of it, I have never seen it."
    Gloria goes a different route. She is a tall and slender woman in her 20s, and I think she is very very old.. she looks like a spirit from 17th Century as I looked up her outfit and the closest I got was a fashion popular in the 17th. She is beautiful and graceful. "Pray every day, go to God in your own way and God will help."
    Lastly Amy, a sweet young spirit with curly blonde hair (she says that's the way Shirley Temple had her hair, and she loves it) and big round brown eyes, a darling dress and Mary Jane shoes had some special wisdom. She's been deceased for a while (so she isn't really 8 years old but just looks it) and has loved watching the living and analyzing them and their issues. "Use the fear to make something. Draw the fear, sculpt the fear, write a poem. It is yours to use as a power source and create something good out of something bad. I see it all the time and am always surprised by the beautiful things that come out of that kind of feeling. People are amazing. Good luck, Morgan!"
    Alright, I hope this helps. If not, please let me know and I will look for more ways to fix this problem. Living with fear isn't a fun thing, and no one should have to go through it. The most obstinate anxiety has a solution, or at least a way to lessen it. My favourite answer is Amy's.. but she is one of my favourite spirits to talk to.. I don't have any children and it's nice to spend time with a little girl, even if she is older than me ;) Although all the answers I related to you from spirits were great and I appreciate every spirit's input. They don't have to answer my call for help, but they always do and in good numbers.

I would also like to extend what Amy said afterwards: "If you want to ask me a question, I am happy to answer!" And I can ask questions from any spirit mentioned, as usually they are also forthcoming and glad to be of help. Or maybe they just like talking to the living. It's exotic for them 😊


More to come, I think I am starting to feel better from September's flare up so I want to get back to writing about and talking to spirits. Thank you for reading!

* Update - You Might Have Noticed - And A Brief Ghost Anecdote *

Hello Dear Readers,

I am in the process of changing a few things on the site to make things easier for readers - and maybe make it look a little nicer. Some of the changes I did today, but some are upcoming. One thing you might immediately see is the contact form. Now you have the option to contact me through the website. I know it's a bit of a risk but I want to hear what you want to read about in future. Next, I have added a translate button for those who read in different languages.
    Later I want to introduce a few other things, and I might even have to consider advertising as I have a new therapy I am trying soon. I am not a fan of plastering ads all over my blog, but the therapy may be expensive. I will know more tomorrow and let you know the situation. I am hopeful about this treatment, a whole body approach, and pretty excited. I have learned, with my many faced illness that one should hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I've gotten my hopes up before and been disappointed, but I can't stop trying to look for something to help. Don't feel bad, I am used to it now and can somehow compartmentalize it. Well pretty well. We're all flawed and fragile, but it's good to find ways to live life and conserve our sanity.
    I used the donation money on medication, thank you very much Morgan. It helps more than I can express. I feel it necessary (or at least good being transparent) to tell you where my donations go as they come.
    Just to let you know: I am still working on the White Noise series, the Drug King contact, and much more - including an article on the appearance of specific spirits I have met. Some pretty freaky ghosts I have come into contact with both in my far past and recently. I have written about the appearance of spirits before (click here to read it before the next article comes out) but this will be more about deeper detail on a few strange cases.
    I hope you like the updates I share. At least you know where I am in my process and health. It warms me when you ask me about my health and happiness, and I always enjoy connecting with you. Please feel free to use the contact form to ask questions and I will answer them on the blog. This can include topics you want to learn more about, specific questions about experiences you've had, or even about previous posts.

I am pretty excited about an upcoming article, and I hope to post it this week.

Thank you and have a lovely week.

Purgatory

Sometimes, I get a spirit that say pretty creepy things. Sometimes I am alone in the dark, trying to sleep or meditate or get rid of a migraine - and a spirit will start to settle down near me and speak strange and spooky things. It wouldn't be as spooky if it were not a dead human being - as the implications of the deceased saying some of these things paints a dark picture of what the afterlife can be like for those of us who have major guilt. At least that is the trend I have noticed. Do bad things, feel guilty, die - then go through a bit of a nightmare.

Does that come as comfort for those of us who don't do things like cold blooded murder, rape, and other horrible crimes? I don't know. How long does this personal Hell last? It doesn't seem eternal, from what I have gathered from my many dead conversations. It also doesn't seem like people with mental disorders who commit crimes get as harsh a punishment. Shorter, lighter "sentences" for those who were just born or became criminals by illness.

Who makes these punishments? Well, I can only tell you from experience, but it seems that when we die - we change. Our bodies no longer rule us. What motivated us as the living no longer does in death - and in such a change: we see more clearly. We see what we did in perfect detail. We also seem to partially join all other souls, like we are all linked in a very hard to explain way, and so we experience the pain and suffering we brought upon others from their points of view. We see how we hurt victims' families, friends, partners and feel exactly how much pain we inflicted. I think the ensuing enlightenment from this experience can send souls on a sort of journey for forgiveness from others and from ourselves.

After this review, it seems those who have acted out of hate, greed, pride, wrath, etc - go into a deep depression. How could they have done this? How did they not see the consequences? How did they not feel remorse? This bitter sadness also attracts others like them, and they see as in a mirror: someone like them who deserves to suffer for what they wrought. It's misery loves company - and sometimes this can lead to a ball of souls punishing each other for decades, even centuries. Perhaps that is Hell. Further, some spirits of victims are unable to forgive, and they are attracted to the mess of souls. They become overwhelmed with such thoughts as: "My life was cut short for 50$??" "I was broken my entire life because you couldn't restrain yourself" "My family member committed suicide after I was found!" "I wanted to do so much with my life!" "I studied to become a Doctor, sacrificing so much of my life and I'll never get to be what I wanted!" These victims are so angry that they want to get revenge or at least an answer they never got.

This has always made me sad to see. It can take years for the victims to "Wake up" out of their anger and bitterness. Not as long as the ones that inflicted the pain, but still.. years in this cycle can feel like decades. But they eventually, with the help of loved ones, philanthropic spirits, or even the ones that hurt them. That is a way that those stuck in this Hell seem to be able to leave - reparations. They become helpers, soothers, and can even become good friends of the victim and their loved ones. How amazing is that? The healing is something that lightens my heart, and gives me hope that every single soul can be content.

I have spoken of "Hell" before, most notably with the man who was a serial killer in his living life. It was a nightmare to witness but I am sure even worse to exist in - and there seem to be countless kinds of this hellish place. But is it a hell or is it Purgatory?

Purgatory
Purging negative aspects of the soul is the realm of purgatory in religion, mythology, and philosophy. It is a concept that we can cleanse our souls of crimes and regrets by working through them. It is a place you can graduate or ascend from, not a permanent prison. Like rehab for the soul. From my experience, there doesn't seem to be a true Hell, but more of a Purgatory. Makes sense. I imagine some spirits make take so much time that they have yet to graduate in Earth's history. Some crimes must take decades to even relive through all your victims, and then if you have angered your victims and turned them into vengeful spirits - you have to go through their punishment, lastly succumbing to -your own self-guilt prison. Perhaps it will take someone like Pol Pot or Hitler thousands of years to work through it. Maybe more. Is it right to ever let monsters like them be free and happy? I don't think I'm qualified to answer that - but what I do think is.. if all victims of a crime feel vindicated, all their loved ones, all humans who hate these souls feel revenge is no longer necessary... then perhaps the path to healing can start. Perhaps That Which Made Us has a soft heart, so to speak, and loves all children equally - and equally hopes to purify them. I imagine that being would have to be pretty amazing so it sounds like a complex and high being like that wouldn't want to relegate any of us to the garbage heap forever. I try to keep away from religion here, so I will move on from here.

Guilty Souls
I have come across many guilty souls. Most of them don't even seem to notice me. I can see them, but it's like there is a two way mirror and they can't see me. I think they are so wrapped up in the nightmare that they just don't notice, as I have been able to get the attention of some of them. I end up having to concentrate hard and reach out to them, which is probably not a wise move.. but I get overly curious.
I recall one vividly from my teen years. She had killed someone very dear to her, maybe in the 1920's or 30's but not earlier or later. I remember because I had looked up her clothes and some of the details of her life she had shared. She was seated in a rocking chair in an empty room, looking out a dirty window at rain and dust storms. Her wrists were nailed to the arm rests and her hair was tangled in the dowels of the chair's backrest. At first she didn't notice me, and then I remember being able to push the chair by thinking about it. She turned her head in a neck-break looking position and stared at me curiously. She showed me how she drowned her child. There was no money left, they had lost so much. I saw it thrash in the tub and felt sick to my stomach, pulling myself back from her horrible memory. She told me she relived it constantly. She said days or weeks later someone had offered them a place to stay, food, and jobs. Had she just waited. She also, at the time of the killing, she took pleasure that she wouldn't have to hear it cry anymore or take up all her time. She could sleep again. She had told her husband and family that the baby had drowned as she fainted giving it a bath. The spirit of her husband, parents, and even the child would visit her - but it did nothing to make her feel better. They were over the pain. They were with the baby once more, and the baby had "grown" into an adult. A beautiful being that held no remorse for his mother, but also no attachment.It had once been hurt when others had explained what happened. More hurt once the father died and joined him. The child had missed so much, lost so much. So the woman returned to rocking in her prison chair, looking out the mucky window and thinking about the moment she made the biggest mistake of her existence.
Another spirit, which I hated to my core, was a serial rapist and torturer. I had been at my friend's house together with other friends doing a ouija session.. Now as an adult I know how dangerous inviting random spirits can be - especially those who are attracted to young, naiive kids. I feel bad to say but - I think I couldn't forgive someone like him. His taste in victims were my age at the time, 16-18 year old girls AND boys. Rare, from what I read. Usually serial rapists will just pick a gender. I saw him in the corner of the room sitting on the floor cross legged as my friends asked the board questions and moved the planchette around. He wasn't STUCK in his hell, he seemed to be able to break from it once in a while and look for exactly these moments. Teens on a Ouija. I hadn't seen a naked older man at that age. It was disconcerting and he seemed excited that I was able to see him. I tried to put up some sort of barrier, but I wasn't experienced enough to deal with something like him. He was good at distracting me by scaring me. I called my parents to come pick me up and I tried my best to get this man out of my head. When I thought he was never going to go away, he was surrounded by other spirits. I couldn't make out their forms, they weren't solid - but masses of what looked like ink in water surrounded by smoke. I could see what they were doing to him and felt sick. My heart sank and I felt cold all over - I could feel the abject terror the sickening spirit was feeling. The punishment fit the crime, and I think the souls were parents of the victims, as they kept saying "This is for my baby" and screaming at him things like "you ruined him!" or "you never went to jail for hurting my baby!" - the screams themselves were chilling and bestial. The spirits had pulled him into a room with no doors or windows. It was small, as they knew he was claustrophobic. It kept shrinking and shrinking, and the material of the floor and walls became sharp thorns piecing him. One soul screamed in his ear in Spanish (which I didn't know any of at the time besides Hola) I think, so loud it made his ears bleed. They forced him to live as his victims once the room was form fitting, like a coffin around his bleeding form. The pain, the terror, every sensation and ugly deed was done to him. He had so many victims. I wanted to leave, but I was stuck. It was a very long 20-40 minutes of this. I felt the love and warmth from those souls, I think they had been searching for him - and they were happy to take him away from me and my friends. I felt that they would keep a better eye on him from now on, but that the Ouija had brought him out of whatever prison they had made for him. Another danger. Remembering this night still brings chills to my spine and nausea - alongside the hope I can forget the incident while still remembering to stay away from reaching out to random spirits.
Lastly for today, there was a child. He had hurt many people and died before his 21st birthday. It was 1986 (I recall that date but could be off) when he died, in his beat up old Saab in a field, when he had too much to drink. Alcohol poisoning. Unlike the previous two spirits, he had not done what most people would consider evil. More cruel or mean. He had played many girls and broken their hearts, taken their virginity with consent through outright lies of loving them. He was a bully. He even bullied his younger sister and made her life difficult. He bullied even his friends. He had made his parents see his body in their field, void bowels and vomit - bloated in the summer heat. They knew he didn't have a license but never punished him for driving without it. Giving him money to buy the beloved used black Saab with a tape deck. Even his sister cried at his funeral. Alcohol poisoning. His father didn't even know he had had his first drink. His mother thought he was just going through a phase. His mother's memories filled him when he died, and continued to flood him as she lived in such heartache. The girls he had lied to and cheated on were further broken and wished they hadn't been so angry at him. He was just a guy, they said. As he saw the love in the sweet hearts of those he had hurt, he began to hate himself, hate what he did. He became obsessed with their lives and hated that he couldn't apologize or help them. When his sister was hit by a car in her 30s, he sat by her bedside at the hospital as she screamed in pain and wished he could have helped her. The Purgatory he was in was watching all these people. Sometimes I reach out to him and try and see if he is still suffering, and when I do connect.. he is still the same. Tortured, worried, regretful. I am sure that when his family dies, they will tell him to be at ease and at rest. He's so far from resting in peace now, that I hope he can find it well before his loved ones are dead. He also had to see one of his friends suffer of cancer, lung cancer specifically, and he blames himself for starting the kid on filter-less cigarettes. I don't think, in this case, that there is anyone but him (Jerry) keeping him in this prison. I think it is all him, regretting and self punishing. I am sure all those he hurt would forgive him in a heart beat. Maybe his lung cancer friend will join him soon, but hoping for that isn't a good thing. We all need to live as long as we can, because the other side can wait.


Ending Remarks
I have seen spirits ancient and young, and feel like there is no end to the afterlife. In a place where space and time are no longer as rigid as during life, we live on. Suffering is temporary, but can be made shorter by atonement and acts of forgiveness. In life, we can avoid hurting others or ourselves, thus warding off a stay in this soul rehab. We can also atone for what we have done or will do that we can't help, and find forgiveness in those we have wronged. We can think through situations to make sure we have something to apologize for and make sure we aren't holding a grudge on someone who has asked for forgiveness or a chance to earn that forgiveness. I know I have begged forgiveness enough since I witnessed what harm it can do to not do so - mostly out of a selfish desire not to suffer but also because I don't like to see others suffer. I am not above making mistakes, no one is.. I think the best thing to try and minimize the damage and repair what has been broken to the best of our abilities. Knowing that there is a system in place to cleanse us of those sins can be assuring, but also daunting as the road to purgation is long and hard. I hope I can be good to those around me, and know when it is time to make peace and forgiveness.

Thank you for reading, you give me purpose and help me to feel like I am contributing when my illness can be so restrictive to my productivity. I hope you are safe, comfy, and free from suffering. Have a lovely week!

Spirit Messages for May

* Some swearing in this post *

Before I continue with the noise series, I wanted to get some spirits' messages out. Half because I think it's important, and the other half so I can sleep easier without them pressuring me to do so ;) I want to make this a monthly series, or at the very least seasonal. As always I appreciate your input on the matter. I have also decided to post a link to my email on the site, and will dig through the spam -I value your input and thoughts more than I hate spam digging 😉 It will appear soon. Wish me luck!

    I will not spell or grammar check the messages in case the mistake is on purpose or part of their writing/speaking style. Sorry for the mess.

    Also coming up - a reader's letter about a famous cocaine kingpin that may be the identity of one of the spirits that contacted me. I hope to do this before summer, but I had some friends help me with research and my mails keep getting bounced back from the sender. Just thought to mention as it is pretty exciting.

Message One:
Tell Nancy I love her. Greek Nancy. The one with the curly hair and a dimple below her right eye. I want to see her again but I can't find her. Please if you are out there.. please remember me. I died when you were 9. My name started with a G.. I think. It's been a while. Thanks.

Message Two:
I didn't die by drug overdose. The media was fed lies again and didn't fact check deep enough. I remember feeling nauseas and throwing up this foamy beige mess - they took pictures of me and put me on the internet. Those fucks. I was murdered. My sister (I think the spirit calls her Charlene but I could be wrong - I will research this for later) knows who did it. It was poison, the police thought so but they got to me too late. I can see my sister on the computer.. and she had to see my death pictures.. what the fuck human kind. It wasn't even educational. They laughed at me. I did drugs, sure, but goddamn nothing like that. I was always careful, never came close to death. I had money in the safe place. I want you to know, sis, I wasn't overdosing or trying to kill myself. Mom's here and she says she loves you. She hates it when I swear. Montana is here too. Linda was here, but she's been gone a while. To my fans - I wouldn't kill myself. You were such a big part of my life, I was happy and I was about to propose. Ask Ken. Thanks and peace.
Notes: I don't think he was a huge star or anything, but an up and coming. In his 20s or very early 30s. Curly black hair. Dark eyes, mocha skin. Nice guy. Smells like fruity licorice.

Message Three:
Okinawa. You were there with me. Thank you old man. I was 16. I still am. We were a mess. I can't believe you have great grand kids.. you look like my grandpa. You made good kids and good grandkids and good great grand kids. I was with you teaching him to fish, that was me who herded the fish your way. I am still in Okinawa, thanks to you. I would have hated to have been a POW like you, did you feel me? I was next to you the whole time. We all were. Hands on your shoulders and we cried. We can still cry. My mother... you didn't have to be so nice to her, thank you. You took good care of her until she came to me. Father, too. They were proud of me but I wished I had done things differently. Maybe I would be a great grandpa, too. But I am happy, you need to know that. I'm not being tortured by demons or anything like that. It's like Father's house, only bigger - the garden too. We visit a lot with the old boys. They have trouble talking to the living. Some went off and didn't want to see us. You can sell your war junk. Sell your stupid collections. Your family wants to see you health and so do we. Your sister is here sometimes, I loved her you know! I think she loves me but I am too much of a coward to ask. Maybe sometime, then I will treat her well. Cancer she died of, near her heart inside her lungs. I have to go soon. Lots of people here. Don't join me before your time, so sell your collections and get help soon for your sickness. Goodbye and see you when your turn is up.
And stop wearing jeans you look ridiculous they are too tight for an old man! (he laughs)
Notes: this is a Japanese man, a handsome man with a short bowl cut hairdo which he says the old man will understand - he has deep brown eyes and piano players' hands. He died from an explosion in Okinawa. His English is impeccable.

Message Four:
"Day. Come." ( I hear a bus on a busy street) "Get ready. Come."
A woman, yelling as if across a street. She has puffy brown hair, white skin, hazel green eyes, pink shirt with a deep collar, blue jeans rolled up at the calves. I have no idea what she's talking about, but it's not asking someone to jump in front of a bus! She has lotto tickets in one hand. She then sits at a table with a single candle and smiles. A gorgeous woman. She can't talk, it's hard for her. The table is circular, wooden (hard wood, dense grain) - rooster salt and pepper shaker. She shows a ouija board. Laughs - looks like she's laughing. Bare feet. I hear a dog barking. It's late 70s early 80s fashion, cars, and decor in these images. Patty. Lauren. Toaster. Smell of toast. She's in love. Movie reel. Rope, thick rope. Car, American brand, Chevy - big wide muscle car. Umbrella with Donald Duck. Happiness. Sunshine. Newspaper folded in four. Reading it, she puts her feet up on the dash.. waiting. The last thing she ever did. Barefoot still. In that outfit of pink shirt and jeans rolled. Howling. Sirens. Hay. "Hey!" "Get up - RUN AWAY!" she hollers, so sad. "Don't go! Don't go." "Please let me be. Let me go" Mechanical sounds. Like a tow truck maybe? Loud truck either way. "Alright." "What I want is you" Loud street sounds. Coffee. A diner. Red and white diner. Horn honking. Crows cawing. Frogs chirping. Driving her to the hospital fast. Too late, Richard. Let me go. Gravel road, down south. Such back pain. The sound of her drinking from a water canteen. Mountains, forest path, climbing up the path with you. Oh God, what a beautiful sight. A bear. We saw a bear. Probably a grizzly but it didn't see or smell us. Pine cones roasting. Bracelet. Making her tired, I have to go soon. Believe in me. Believe me. You don't believe I'm still her, I am. I am not alive like you.. but I am here. I think. I feel. I'm happy. But I miss you. Coffee mug, ceramic, cat cartoon on it. Flowers. Thank you. It'll take time to forgive but time is meaningless now. Have to let her go. See you, see you Richard. Love you. I gave her a headache. Shit. Mail her when you read this. It'll be a while before you do, but do it. ok. Bye.
Notes: this was a very dreamlike communication. Difficult and start/stop and painful. I wonder why. I have seen this before but each time it catches me off guard.

    That's it for now. I am sad I couldn't do more, but she did give me a headache. No hard feelings, it happens all the time. Next post is coming up soon and I am working on making a schedule so you know when to check it.

   I hope this helps someone, that would be great. I chose these four spirits as they were very different from each other, but also because they seemed in a rush.
   I hope to one day have a forum where you can send photos of your loved ones for me to channel.

Be well and happy and cozy my friends.

Noise and Ghosts Part 1: What is White Noise and Does It Help in Spirit Communication?

Perhaps you've seen the films, or read some creepypastas about it, or even heard friends talk about it: white noise and spirit communication. What is it? Does it work? Is it a dangerous method of communication? I won't just focus on white noise - I'll also branch into different "colour" noises and what you might remember as TV static, etc. I would also like to share my experiences with it, and in this little series share a bit of an ongoing experiment.

What's White Noise?

    For anyone who's had trouble sleeping or trouble with sounds waking you or a loved one up,  you may have already used it. White noise is a basic sound-canceling technology that basically masks other sounds using a blanket of noise. The Oxford Dictionary defines it as: "noise containing many frequencies with equal intensities." The sound itself is very much like a raging river or big waterfall.

Insomnia and White Noise

    Everyday sounds have many different profiles, like how cities have different silhouettes of tall buildings (loud or piercing sounds) and short buildings (medium sounds) and flat roads (silence) - whereas white noise would have just a bunch of very nearly equal buildings with no roads. Sounds weird, but gimme a minute to try and explain better...
    Everyday sounds will catch your attention - picture a flat road going on for an hour and then a very tall building - in this case let's say a window breaking - sticking out like a sore thumb. While sleeping, your brain likes a flat, boring road as opposed to many buildings spaced with many roads .: someone talking to you while you're trying to sleep. Your ears still hear and your brain still analyzes sound while you're asleep, and so the 'big buildings' make your brain work harder and therefore your nice sleep cycle is more of a jerky mess. As soon as your brain realizes the sound you just heard is a window breaking or your kids getting home waaaaay too late - it'll wake up and get ready to react. White noise fills in the gap between buildings and roads and your brain does less analysis. Your brain basically hears nothing, so deeper sleep. I highly recommend it for sleeping if you're not focusing on communicating with anything or anyone. And don't use it if your kids are young enough that they might need you to hear the breaking window. We could get more technical on the matter.. but for the purpose of this series, I think this is enough for now.

Is White Noise a Communication Aid? 

    Now we get into why I am writing about it. I have found it works very well and have thought long and hard as to why it works.
    First, I want to share an experience I have had. When I was healthier, and able to do home visits and personal readings, I had an extremely hard time doing a remote reading (a reading where I am one place and the person asking for the reading is far away or the subject of the question is far away) to the point where I almost gave up. I had heard of white noise being used as a tool to communicate with spirits more clearly and I hated to disappoint someone with a good purpose for reaching out: a dead husband, taken far too early. I was getting nothing from him in the normal method and so I figured it was time to try something new. I turned on a white noise generator (a little box that randomly generates white noise) and kept reaching out to the deceased spouse. Nothing at first, just that waterfall sound of the noise and me audibly and mentally calling the name of the man. Then, after a good three to five minutes, I started to hear a faint sound. Like a break in the white noise here and there. CHHHHHHHH-CHHHHHH-CHH-CHHHHHHHH---CHHHH. My mind focused on those breaks and I started to hear broken words in the gaps. CHHH-Are-CHHHHHH-any-CHHHHHHH-there-CHHHHHHH-Please-CHHHHHH-(name) CHHH. I was taken aback on how clear it was. When I communicate with spirits (using whatever ability I have that uses whatever part of my brain it does) it's not usually so clear. It's like someone's thoughts are echoed and you catch the echoes at some point and sometimes those are just fragments. This sounded like someone on a CB radio asking if anyone can hear his transmission. My surprise kicked me back and I returned to just hearing the CHHHHHHHH sound for a good minute. Calm down, listen, but don't focus too hard. It's a big problem in spirit communication: don't get excited and don't over focus. Then, the broken words returned. The man was at his fishing cottage. It was summer for him but winter for us. Fish were biting, not too many mosquitoes, nice weather.. it was like many of the descriptions of the afterlife I had heard - realistic touches like the mosquitoes but mainly beautiful and warm and ... well... heavenly. (Live your life before you go there. Yes it's beautiful but there is a purpose to this life, whether you believe it is by design or not - there is still a purpose that life fulfills just like a school and womb combined. Two links are to suicide related posts.) But he wasn't aware that he was dead from what I could gather at first. I asked if he could hear me. Yes, where are you? I can't see you? (I am paraphrasing, it was a long time ago) I answered that I was asked to talk to him and slowly broke the news that he had passed on. He replied he figured, as he didn't see his wife and kids anywhere, but his uncle (who was very much dead from the Korean War) visited often. But the man was scared to acknowledge the fact that he had, indeed, passed on, and he much preferred to think of himself as on vacation. I remember smiling at his cool turns of phrases and philosophy. Now the words were still broken here and there, but it was more like: Tell my w-CHHHHH-fe-CHH-I miss her-CHHH-and I'm ok - CHHHH - little wolf is here - CHHHH - thank you. I was in the zone and calm, the perfect setting to communicate. It's not always easy to get into that zone, but meditation helps. Now, for some people, I can't vouch for them only myself, it takes more or less time to get into the zone with white noise. For me, it can take up to a half hour of sitting and waiting, or just a few minutes. But sometimes, it can just fail entirely and I end up wasting an afternoon repeating a name like a fool! Will it work for you? I can't guarantee that, no one can. But I can tell you with certainty - it works for me.

How Does It Help in Communication?

    Sleep and spirit communication have many things in common. You have to be relaxed, mentally calm, and patient to both fall asleep and to fall into communication. Loud sounds can easily wake you up and can easily pull you out of a communication just as panic, pain and physical discomfort. It is a delicate balance and I think white noise is easily explained - it calms that part of your brain that is always searching for and analyzing sounds. You can focus on whatever part of your brain communicates with spirits. The same goes for why it can be much easier to turn off lights and just have a candle - less data from your surroundings gets analyzed by your brain and therefore more processing power is available. It's not that ghosts like night better.. for them it might not even BE night.. it's that you can focus calmly. This is my explanation.

Is it Dangerous?

    As a sleep aid, not usually. Unless you are in a dangerous place and need to be aware of the dangers therein, have a brain injury and are told to stay awake, etc.
    As a communication tool - ANY communication with spirits can be dangerous. White Noise does not increase or decrease your risk of a bad person latching onto you. This is sad but like any relationships you form with the living - the dead can be jerks. Of course the living can't get to you as intimately as the dead - and they need skills to pick locks that the dead just don't. However, spirits tend to not want to hurt you like the living, for the most part. The dead have less motivation - like money and material goods - but when they are properly motivated they can be a nightmare. Just like the living.

Can Anyone Use It?

    I am a firm believer that anyone can communicate with spirits, but some people need a lot of practice and training. By training, I mean meditation mostly. Just like you train in anything, you need to find your "zone" - the state of mind and relaxation that allow you to perform at your best. However, training is hard as communication with the dead is either taboo, discarded as fantasy, or heresy in most of the world that no one with any credibility in today's popular media wants to touch it with a ten foot pole. I know there are a lot of people with credibility that are working on the subject, but it isn't something you'll see in mainstream media. You have to dig and research etc.
    BUT I would not suggest spirit communication for some people as it might worsen their mental condition. If you have a mental schism of any kind, this could worsen it by blurring the lines further between real and hallucination. Anxious folk might get more anxious if they hear something disturbing.. and many spirits are masters at disturbing. I could go on with a list but the important part is: if you are easily disturbed, if you hallucinate often by illness or drugs, if you have had some history of disassociation with reality, and anything in this general area - not a good idea. I won't tell you what to do or not to do, I can only tell you it's not a good idea in my opinion.
    Also - if you have a group doing a reading at the same time, you might not hear the same thing. That doesn't mean that someone is getting it "wrong" - as I believe the communication takes place directly from spirit to brain most times. One person might be hearing one spirit, the other  - another spirit. Just keep that in mind when people start fighting over who is "really talking to spirits" or not. The white noise just helps tune out the rest of the world and focus on one thing.

How to Communicate With Spirits using White Noise  

    I will list the method I use, through experimentation, that I find works best for me - feel free to experiment and mail me about your best method.
    You will need white noise.. you can find some on Youtube for free, free apps on both apple and android app stores, you can even find some on sound clouds or a generator embedded in websites, or you can buy one online or in store. The best thing is a generator, as some weirdos will have an hour of white noise (for example) and then a jump-scare or two.. not a good idea. The apps and physical generators you can get are great. Lots of free stuff or paid stuff out there. I have tried all these methods and my favourite are the free generator apps that let you choose between different "colours" of sound. I will talk about the different kinds later in the series.
***After looking around I found this one that works in browser (for PC, Mac, apple mobile iOS, and Android OS) or you can download their free apps for Apple iOS or Android OS. Haha research win 😁! Mynoise.net Noise Generator. And no, I am not a paid advertiser, I just talk like one 😏 and sorry.. I found an emoji function on Blogger? Yikes... please tell me if it bothers anyone - my email is the name of the blog at gmail . com. I am sorry that I don't have a link to my mail but I was getting hundreds of spam mails a day at the beginning and about 5 hate mails, this way it filters out only dedicated readers and dedicated hate mailers. Again, so sorry. If I wasn't sick I would totally go through those each day. I just got back into it after the password was logged and changed, so I will be answering mails this week onwards.***

 Before you start - you can choose to try and talk to a specific deceased person or just invite anyone to talk. Personally, I would suggest beginners focus on a specific loved one as inviting whomever random person in can be dangerous and takes a bit of training to shut out. Someone you trust, someone you love. You can also just ask a loved one to protect you, or even a group of loved ones.

1. Sit in a dark room - or just not too bright if dark freaks you out - in a comfortable position. Or lay down if that is easier for you, as long as you are comfy and your body's issues aren't distracting you (this also means make sure you aren't hungry or cold or hot or need to use the bathroom)

2. Turn on the white noise at a comfortable level. Test the level out while reading a book or taking a bath etc something relaxing as if it grinds your nerves during a relaxing activity - you need to turn it down or shift to the cool end of the spectrum (more on that later in the series)

3. Take some slow, deep breaths in through the nose and out the mouth. At your pace. Then, throughout the session, make sure you continue to breathe slowly and evenly.

4. Close your eyes and go through your body like a scan from head to toes and fingers - to relax each muscle. This is important to get you relaxed and focused. You can choose to continue having your eyes closed (good for when you can't get a dark room) or open throughout the session.

5. Alternating between saying and thinking the person's name you wish to contact (or just saying and thinking something like: I'd like to talk to a deceased person, please respond) - slowly and clearly - focus on the image of their face in your mind. If you are doing a random - just focus on asking them to come to you, no image. If you can remember their scent or voice, focus on that every few cycles of saying and thinking their name. This might take a little time.
    If this doesn't work, try writing their name on paper and having a photo of them or painting  - handwriting, items they cherished, or even hair/nails can help. I have NO idea why it helps, just that it does.
        If this doesn't work, try another day.
            If after a week of daily attempts you still haven't made contact: try contacting someone else for a while and coming back to this person later in the year. I know it's very frustrating, but it only hurts your efforts to be irritated and desperate to contact them. It can be hard on the spirit, too, as they can feel helpless.

6. When you start hearing breaks in the static (make sure your generator isn't losing power or app isn't being interrupted.. this can ruin a session) focus on the breaks but not too hard.
    If you find yourself too excited and the breaks stop, don't worry - just refocus and calm like in steps 3 and 4.

7. When you start hearing the voice, focus gently on it. Take slow, gentle breaths and relax your body - this may sound simple and is easily forgotten but this works in both lucid dreaming and spirit contact (slow gentle breathing in your lucid dream that is)
    If  you hear more than one voice, pick one to focus on. This will sound jumbled at first but with practice - you can tell them apart and blur the other voice out.
        If you can't focus on just one voice, alternate between clearly speaking and clearly thinking "one at a time" and/or "I can't understand you if more than one person is talking" etc.
            If you STILL can't get it down to one voice, stop the session and try again another day.

8. As you start to understand what the person is communicating, relax as much as you can and say/think questions or answers. It is important to say and think these as it helps to focus you and the spirit.
    If the questions and answers knock you out of the conversation, don't worry. It happens - especially at the beginning. Just refocus using steps 3 and 4, then continue through the steps until you get it right. Might take a few sessions, might take a few years or even decades. It's troubling when it takes a long time, but worth the effort.

9. When you are done the conversation, I find it helps to "close the door" to spirits. You say goodbye and thank you, and think goodbye and thank you. You can also picture a door closing and you locking it safely. Go through steps 3 and 4, then go back to your daily life. If the contact was with a malevolent person - picture the door being barred and locked many time, even sealing up the door. I find this helps - either it activates some sort of innate barrier we've forgotten or never discovered - or maybe helpful spirits see this and come to your aid - or maybe something else.. the brain, soul and body are amazing things.

Failure and the Art of Quitting

    There are many reasons why people can't communicate with spirits. Maybe you aren't relaxed enough, maybe you are scared out of your mind, maybe you have a grandma on the other side that blocks spirits from bothering you or a long lost great-great-uncle that makes sure you aren't attacked by a malevolent spirit just waiting to invade your private space. Maybe there are differences in brains or nerves or some weird chemical some people don't produce enough of? Maybe souls have organs and such just like the body. But after a long haul of trying, it  might be time to quit. I hate quitting but there are some times where a spirit just won't or can't communicate and I officially stop trying. This can be frustrating and depressing and even embarrassing - but it is better than hitting your head against the brick wall of failure over and over and over again. Nothing is to be gained after a while of trying, and some part of you will know when that time comes. Remember that life is a priority over communicating with the dead, as I remind myself on a daily basis, and that we have a duty to ourselves and our loved ones to know when to quit. It can be frustrating for the deceased who are trying to communicate with you at you request but cannot for some reason link up. Try another spirit if you can, or take some time off before you try again. When quitting time comes, you will either instinctively know or will have to make that call. Good luck!

Ending Thoughts for Today

    White noise can be effective in blocking out distractions, and distractions are a massive roadblock in the journey of spirit communication. I heartily suggest using it as a ally in contacting the dead. Of course there are the same warnings as any spirit communication - spirits can be just as evil as living humans and mental condition has to be taken into consideration.
    What you can expect next from the series is an exploration of other "colours" of noise, visual white noise, and an ongoing experiment I'm doing on noise including the spirits that come through during the experiment. I hope you find this interesting or at the very least - entertaining! I hope that if you try this out safely, you can connect with someone (or something) positive. As always, remember to NEVER antagonize/tease/rile up a spirit, treat them with respect and dignity. That is a one way ticket to crazy town and not a good kind of crazy town. Hauntings can be anything from horror movie scary to a spirit repeating a song over and over - or commenting on everything you do until you hate yourself.. it's not to be taken lightly as even the most innocent of spirits, even the most loving of family members, can get pissed off.
    Healthwise, I wanted to update you. My new treatment is going ok. I am no longer sleeping 12+ hours a day every day.. some days sure.. so I think the negative effects of the new medication are starting to die down. I hope ;)  This only targets the fatigue aspect of my illness, not all the other weird symptoms and intense pain, but that would be enough for me to continue my dream of documenting all my spiritual experiences.

I have so much I want to share with you. Thank you for your continued support and patience. This series is dedicated to Morgan, who turned around my defeatist attitude enough to continue writing.

I also want to remind you - if you want to mail me, it's the blog name at gmail dot com. I might take a while to respond, but I generally get to them eventually.

The Spirit's Replayed Memory: Death By Radiation

I have a regular visitor that died of radiation and he brings me back to his death in detail. Reliving his death is one of the most haunting of all the deaths I've been privileged to witness.

Trigger Warning: detailed death, links that could be followed to see extremely disturbing images and text.

**(Contrarily to the Trigger Warning: If you want to read the memory right away, I will highlight that part so just scroll down.)**

Introduction to the So-Far Nameless man

The spirit does not speak a language I know even slightly, he is painfully shy, and tends to stick to a transfer of sense data rather than words or concepts. He is very unusual in his communication methods as he never presents as a fully visible spirit but as a series of sensations, images, emotions.. it took him quite some time to reveal himself to me as a spirit and not just weird visions he's been giving me for decades. (Being a medium is full of moments where you question your own sanity) I don't know the first time he contacted me, as when I was younger I tried not to pay attention to spiritual stuff as much - sharing more my interest in it with friends rather than my experiences as it would elicit one of just a handful of easily guessed responses. But through these shared memories, I would guess it started in the mid 1990s as my curiosity of decoding the senses and images conveyed became a sort of lingering quest.

    I don't remember who it was, be it a friend or young family member, but when I shared certain parts of it - I was accused of watching Terminator and using that scene of the playground and Sarah being disintegrated as the basis for the memory. I figured - maybe they're right, maybe it's just a memory that has been twisted and remade - anything you get scared of has a habit of messing with your brain. Maybe my brain is weird, and ghosts were just my brain's way of dealing with memories.  I didn't have the resources or even the ambition to decode what I was seeing - the Internet was a baby and libraries at school didn't exactly have a section on messed up death.

    As I got older and the Internet became a fertile ground of accessible research material.. I started to learn that my messed up memories contained things that a child of that age probably shouldn't. I still learn new things that back that up - quick example: the blue flashes in the shared experience - called Cherenkov Radiation. 

To start the contact, I remember the concrete floored room, and the burning feeling - just like plugging into an electrical outlet - except instead of electricity - it is memory in horrible sensate technicolour.

The Death Experience Shared

Everything is fine and I hear laughing (tired laughing), I smell stale cigarettes and coffee breath - a tinge of alcohol and halitosis on that breath. The floor is concrete, gray and rough looking. I'm at a table and there are some cards scattered on it - three men sitting at a table. Two are big guys, one smaller slender guy - he has lots of dark fillings in his teeth. There is yellow paint on a nearby concrete column or partition. Chain link - maybe a fence or enclosed piece of equipment? 

The next part happens in a fraction of a second.

I suddenly feel my stomach get heavier - a dropping feeling - a taste in my mouth that reminds me of vomit with copper and some other metal. My lungs feel like I'm being pressed up against a wall. My throat feels stretched, painfully dry? It's not dryness, it's something else. 

I feel exhausted, like my life force is being slowly drained - with no stop or slowing - like a balloon with a leak. My mind starts to realize something is wrong, maybe 3-10 seconds have passed. I try to get up by my legs fail me, like floppy fins instead of legs.. they feel hard - no pain but a hardness even though they work like jelly - like a hard muscle cramp. The rest of my muscles either cramp or burn. My mind is drunk, but I haven't had a drink - not drunk like silly but drunk like my mind is slowing down and confused.

It's hard to breathe. So hard. The air is hot - such dry heat. I try hard to breathe but I am so tired and in so much pain and confusion. Confusion is awful as I know that I should be doing something. Closing a door? Using an extinguisher? No.. buttons. I have to find a button.

Less than a minute has gone by.

I see the eyes of the other men, they have such fear and confusion. The slender guy is down on the ground, he's pissed himself. Can't worry about them.

I see blue lights, like sky blue but more electric, in the corner of my eye. I turn to see if it's help with a flashlight but it isn't. I hear a siren but it's muffled. Everything sounds like it's underwater or muffled by earplugs. My ears feel full and like I need to pop them. More blue lights. 

Breathing not only hurts but makes this thick feeling in my throat and lungs - like dusty lumps are filling them. Scratchy, dusty. My arm hurts. I look down at my arm and it looks like it's glowing.

What the **** am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to press or close or open?

I walk towards the panel - is it a console or just a mechanical switch? I can't tell anymore, my eyes are cloudy blurry messes and I can't see right. My brain is fuzzy and filled with panic and confusion.

I can't tell how long it has been.. but I know now - something went wrong. I know I am not to blame and I know there is nothing I can do. I'm about to die, I think finally, but I don't.

I walk clumsily on my hands and knees, my hands feeling big and bloated like the rest of my body. My knees feel raw. My heart is skipping beats or beating too fast.

I think I hear music but it could just be the siren?

Something touches me, I turn my stiff neck to the right and see one of the big guys - his hairy forearms don't look right - they look like meat. Maybe he fell and scraped it on the concrete floor? It hurts where he touched me. He says something but my ears are so full of something that I can't make it out.

I am so tired, I want to close my eyes but I know if I do I will die. I don't want to die. I look at my friend - coworker - in the eyes and we both understand we're going to die. How long do I have? Two minutes? Four? An hour like this? Can they help me?

In training - they said no. We're done for. 

My breathing hurts so much - I can't describe it. My skin burns. Like the worst sunburn I've ever had but multiplied by a hundred maybe. Maybe more. I feel bursts of tingling like fizzing in my body - it replaces my normal sense of touch.

Am I sweating acid?

I'm so sleepy. I'm so tired. I hurt so much it's all I can think of now.

Something inside me pops. What was that?

The lights go off, or I go blind. Blind, I think, because the reserve lights don't come on. I can't feel my friend's hand anymore. Was it his hand? If  by some miracle I live.. I will be blind. Maybe deaf as I can't hear the siren anymore.

My bones feel like they are being held at each end and bent at the middle until they are just about to snap. Oh God it hurts.

I can't breathe anymore, I'm suffocating. It feels like I'm drowning in boiling air filled with razor sharp cottonballs. Like my lungs just flattened.

Nothing, just panic surrounds me. Dying. How long will it take to die? He waits to die. He momentarily thinks that he could possibly be saved. 

He doesn't know the moment when he dies as it fades from dying to 'alive' again - but that fade took what felt like hours. He didn't even notice when the pain stopped before his death - the memory was still echoing loudly and his mind was reeling. Then joy, relief.. the pain and ordeal was over. His whole being sighed and relaxed in such merciful release. But the memory of the pain would stay with him. He would relive it like watching a movie that includes all the senses. He goes through it over and over trying to piece together the whole moment. Sometimes he remembers it slightly different. Sometimes he wonders if he is himself and one of his friends remembering? Perhaps the memory was altered by whatever happened to him. Maybe I am interpreting his nonverbal thoughts wrong.. it's hard without words. Words would be clearer.

How Long Will It Take To Die?

"How long will it take to die?" Many spirits have that thought. Many deaths have a moment where the being realizes it is dying and then waits for the end to come. They're finally drawing back the unknown curtain and are going to see what is next - but first.. they have to die. That moment is such a massive one.. like a gigantic monolith with only thousands of kilometers of flatlands around it - it stands out in the memories of any being that has thought it. 

    We won't all have that thought - as many of us will die without knowing it. For example: in your sleep - unconscious in a dreamworld - or in a car accident so brutal life is lost in such speed that the line between the two is razor thin. 

    I don't know which is better.. to know you're about to die or just find yourself dead? 

    That Question is palpable to those who experience it.. a moment in their lives that is so stark that it is unlike any other moment in their lives. They know they are about to die and some have time to prepare for it. Sometimes that time can be filled with panic or pain.. but in another article.. I would like to share a time when it was the opposite.. filled with excitement and comfort. 

    Well.. I know what memory I'd rather not relive!

What Did I Just Experience??

I often wonder where this man died, and through research - I think he was Russian or Ex-USSR from what little of the conversation I heard. Maybe this was someplace like the Chernobyl Meltdown? The Kyshtym Disaster? Those two are the most likely places from what I have read of accidents made public.

    It is just as likely that this occurred in a secret location. Nuclear technologies were created and tested in secret during World War II, used in Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945, and then further tested in the Nuclear Arms Race between the years of 1945 all the way to the 1990s and beyond. If you feel like being terrified and have 14 minutes to watch the whole video, an important video presentation by Isao Hashimoto (hosted on AConcernedHuman's YouTube channel) shows every known nuclear bomb tested (land, atmosphere, or underground) in a time lapse format. This doesn't, as far as I know, include smaller incidents - and obviously does not include undisclosed, still secret incidents. Since the US and Russia own the top two ranks (in that order) of these incidents, it doesn't help us much finding where this man's death occurred.

   The man could have been working for any other country. Doesn't mean necessarily that this happened in Russia or countries from the former USSR like the Ukraine. Could be one of the many incidents in the States. 

    The Blue Lights the man recalls - Cherenkov Radiation - This is a little complex and so please forgive my stupidity if I don't quite get it - but basically nothing can go faster than light.. in a vacuum. But in something like water, there is at least something that can go faster: a charged particle like an electron in this case flung by the nuclear reaction. The liquid in our eyes is just such a thing. People who have survived, albeit it experiencing a living hell, have described it just like the memory of the man. 

    Now another thing the blue light could have been was ionized-air glow.. but it is said there would be a strong smell of ozone.. and throughout this, I know how it smells and I don't recall smelling it - although his nose might have had issues smelling it or he didn't recall it. Also, as he moved his eyes, the blue light looked like it moved or at least changed.

    Both these phenomena have been reported, as with other things in the memory, during Criticality Accidents, by those unfortunate enough to have experienced slow radiation death or a life riddled with cancer and other illness caused by radiation exposure.

Another thing we can be sure of is that this was a massive dose of radiation. Whatever accident occurred did not happen in this room. This was not a room with nuclear technology - it was a very basic room. Maybe a watch post or break area for workers to have their lunch and take rest.  

    I have read more detailed accounts of eyewitnesses, and there are a few things that the man's memory did not include that other high radiation exposure witnesses experienced. The big ones are that he didn't vomit or void his bowels.. although the heavy feeling in his stomach could be extreme nausea? Maybe he couldn't feel himself having diarrhea or throwing up? 

    Also, the blue light occurred after the initial heat and sickness wave.. it should have happened concurrently.

    There are other issues, I'm sure, but my brain isn't as sharp as it was. Hopefully soon I will sharpen up through this new therapy I'm on and can revisit this article. 

If you knew this man, or think you know where this man died, let me know. I am working on getting comments on here and but you can always mail me. I know I don't make it easy but it helps weed out a lot of stress for me. Apologies and love for your support.

A Few Concluding Thoughts..

Ever since this man has shown me his death I've been interested in the subject of nuclear technology. Not in a happy can't-wait-to-read-about-this way. Like I want to know all about it for some reason. I'm not sure why. I don't think nukes are cool (although I find cloud blast patterns to be interesting to look at) - quite the opposite. I hope we never see a nuclear war, and I hope testing nuclear weapons will end as soon as possible.
 Most of us have at least a little nuclear energy on our power bills - I live a few hours from a place where there were two incidents - and it is an evil we have to live with for the time being. Solar, Hyrdoelectric, Geothermal, Methane from our wastes... when these take over, and I look forward to when they do, nuclear tech will go the way of coal and oil. And they will go. Eventually.. over a hundred years at least. Nuclear is a relatively clean energy source compared to the bigger methods used around the world - using the nuclear reaction to heat water then get the power from that - but it is scary to think of what could happen - what has happened - when something goes wrong.

The worst part of the nuclear technology is not readily seen: the fallout. The area of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station and the nearby town of Pripyat are still not places humans can live in 32 years after the disaster. And they won't be for a long time. Well - you CAN live there, with increased risk of illnesses like Thyroid Cancer. Animals with mutations are common.. although there is evidence of adaptation to radiation. I really thought the Vice coverage of the area was well done, videos that don't have sensationalized or propagandized content.. in my opinion.

There's a man in the shadow of the Fukushima Disaster who lives there to take care of animals that were left behind after the evacuation. He knows the risks but loves the animals. 

I want to communicate with this deceased man in words. I wish I knew what language he spoke so I could get started learning it. I don't think he wants to speak to me. He just wants to show me his death. I communicate images and concepts of different countries and areas to get his location but I get no response other than more of the memory. When I get more information, I will publish another article.

I feel privileged to have been contacted by him, despite the horror show he put on! Thanks for reading, and I hope someone found something valuable in this!

I will post something for Morgan soon :) A big 50$ donation that brought me unadulterated joy and excitement!!! My second donation thus far and I am humbled.

Is a Spirit Contacting You in a Dream?

There are so many things spirits can do that confuse me. Much of what spirits can do is hard for my brain to wrap around. I love it.  Mystery is such a joy.. well some types.

One thing I would love to know is - how do they manage to join our dreams?

    Since I was a child, I have had dreams with the dead. But how does one tell the difference between a plain old dream and a dream with an extra consciousness in it? I have worked out a few ways by following up on things they have told me that I haven't been able to pin on anything like memory or suggestion etc. For example, I am told to check up on an old friend as they are suffering intensely - then I call up that person and see how they're doing.. and they are doing terribly - even though I have not talked to them in a year or two - or even kept up with their lives. Yeah, my illness not only makes me stop blogging, but it makes me less social all together.

Let's get started.

Clues a Spirit is Contacting You in a Dream

1. The dream is more lucid. Feels more real and is more easily remembered. It stays with you longer.

2. The deceased person is a little confused at the weird stuff you're dreaming about. 

    Let's say you're dreaming about a pink rhino in a fireman's outfit.. the deceased person will be confused or shocked or even laugh at the strangeness of your imagination. They will either make a point to talk about it or make the appropriate facial expression. 

3. Easily legible words. 

    Oftentimes I see words written across the sky or tattooed on my skin in the dream. Once it was written on my bedspread in the dream. More often than not, however, it is in the sky. Reading in dreams is difficult normally, but in the spiritual contact dreams I've had.. reading was simple.

4. More senses are engaged in the dream. 

    You'll feel wind on your skin or smell a specific perfume, or the taste of a never before tasted dish - all examples.

5. The deceased person follows you from dream to dream - wearing the same clothes or doing the same thing, saying the same or even bringing elements of the previous dream to the next one.

How to be Open to Spiritual Contact in a Dream

1. Write your dreams down in a dream journal.

    This will encourage you to remember your dreams more clearly, telling your brain that dreams are important and therefore worth saving to long term memory. The more often you use a dream diary, the more you will recall your dreams. Try it for a month and see. The more you remember your dreams, the more you will remember the dreams in which spirits attempt contact.

2. Work on lucid dreaming!

    Lucid dreaming doesn't necessarily mean that you can control your dreams.. it just means that you are aware you are dreaming and the dreams themselves are clearer than normal dreams. Learning how to lucid dream is a wonderful way of being more aware in a spiritual contact dream and will even allow you to better communicate in both directions - not just listening to what the spirit has to say, but telling it something you want to or need to. You don't need to pay to learn how, there are many free resources such as free online videos, guided meditation, apps, ebooks, etc out there if you just take the time to look. At some point I want to get deeper into it and put up some links. I think that'll be this month but let's see how my body feels about being active ;) One thing I will recommend is Jody W the hypnotist on Youtube - search "guided meditation Jody sleep hypnosis lucid dreaming" and you will find her - some people don't like the way she talks but I love it. She talks that way on purpose, slowing and keeping a rhythm that helps to hypnotize you. Amazing lady. Free and easy to do, just let it run before you sleep. There are also apps that have alarms to wake you up mid sleep cycle but I haven't tried them yet so I don't want to endorse something I haven't tried.

3. Have a good sleeping schedule.

    Insomnia is a bane to any sort of dream work, for obvious reasons. If you don't sleep, you don't dream. ( Well.. there was that time I didn't sleep for a good month except for some passing out for ten-thirty minutes at a time.. I do not recommend that - I have heard you can die from not sleeping.) Ensuring you have a solid sleep schedule, that fits your life, is a great way to invite spirits to use dreaming as a method of communication. Also, a refreshed mind is sharper and a sharper mind is better all 'round for communication. Make a schedule that fits your life by looking at your work schedule, family schedule, etc - and finding that perfect zone of 7-8 hours. Although some people seem to do just fine with less, and some need more.

4. Melatonin and Vitamin D cycling - ask your doctor before doing this!

    When I was at the height of my sleep training, due to pain insomnia, I took vitamin D around 10am and melatonin about an hour or thirty mins before bed - at the same time every day. Melatonin makes you sleepy and vitamin D is great for wakefulness.. also great anti-cancer supplement - look it up, I'm serious. People who do shift work use this in order to change their cycle from one shift to another. This will help your circadian rhythm, or the cycle of sleep and wakefulness, to become so impressed in you that dreaming can start coming like clockwork. Personally I found a difference, but some people don't. I no longer do the cycling due to contraindications with my medication, but I still swear by vitamin D.

5. Meditation.

    You know, I love meditation and recommend it for so many things, and this time is no exception. The disciplined and calm mind can accomplish a lot more than a cluttered and anxious mind - that includes dreaming and dream recall. As a side note, it can really help.

6. Purposeful Naps

    When I want to contact a spirit in a dream, I make sure to meditate on them before I take a short nap. I time it for no longer than 2 hours. I also don't do this often as naps can throw off your sleep schedule, but my illness means I need to nap sometimes a few times a day so I take advantage of my disadvantage and lucid dream parties ensue. Lay down in your bed and focus on who you want to talk to and what you want to ask if you need to ask something in particular. Picture their face and repeat the question and sooner or later you'll fall asleep - try not to make it too complex. I will write about these naps later in more detail.

7. Memory Palace? Think Dream Forest. (Escape Plan)

    I love the use of memory palaces. These are places - be it a large palace or a small house - that you imagine over and over again until they are solidified in your mind. You use these palaces to remember things.. Studying for a test? Put the equation you can't quite remember on a blackboard in the kitchen of your memory palace. Can't remember the capital of Spain? Make a banner for the memory palace conservatory say Madrid! It is far more complex than that, but for the purpose of this article, that's all you need to know. What is a dream forest? Well.. I don't know if I made it up first, probably not.. there are so many people out there that original ideas are rare beasts indeed.. I will google at some point.. but it is what I use to make a space in my mind for purposeful dreaming. Not only do I contact spirits in my dreams, but I make it a point to try and dream specific dreams - like dreams of having no pain or dreams of healing. Again, not necessary to know at the moment. So I envision a safe place - for me it is a forest filled with healthy plants and animals, with multicoloured fruit and flowers and a large treehouse in the middle. I make it a safe place, so nothing threatening. I make an "exits" all over the place as a way to wake up. This takes a couple of years of work in daily meditation (minutes a day, nothing major) but basically whenever things get nightmarish, I train myself to wake up by going through the doors - or spinning around. (That was a trick an expert I knew told me about, spin around or do awkward cartwheels). So by making this safe space, if spirits get a little too scary, you can wake up and ditch the dead conversation. It is important if you are going to dedicate yourself to dream contact to have an exit strategy.

8. Repetition Programming: Sleep Ritual

    Sometimes dreaming is aided by simple Pavlovian techniques. Parents use these tricks all the time to put their kids into deep sleep. A mom or dad sings the same song before bed, or a bath before bed with lavender oil, or a routine game like patty-cake, or reading the same book before bed. This is all to create a routine - which, like the famous Pavlov's experiments with dogs who were programmed to expect food at the sound of a bell (though training) - programming yourself is not that difficult. If you do a "ritual" before bed, you can tell your body it's time to get to sleep more easily. An example would be - brush your teeth, do some simple leg and arm stretches, brush your hair, lay down and do prayers or read a chapter of a not-exciting book, then turn off the lights and close your eyes. If you do the same thing every night, your body gets more queues that  it's time to sleep. Faster falling asleep means faster dreaming and better sleep - generally. I knew someone who would recite a William Blake poem before bed each night and she would start snoring half way through.. funny at a sleep over with highschool peers.. but hey - it worked. You can even ring a specific bell before you close your eyes. Just don't do anything that could happen while you operate heavy machinery ;)

9. Speak to your Spirits.

    Who do you want to talk to? Is it your great grandmother? Is it your deceased friend from college? Is it your dearly departed spouse? Whomever it is: talk to them in your waking time. Even if they don't communicate back in your waking time, they will know you want to engage in a conversation with them. They will know what you want to talk about. They will know you are actively seeking out their communication. Be patient, and don't get your hopes up. There are some spirits I have never been able to dream with, despite trying for a long and effort-full time. Make a list of who you want to talk with and talk to all of those people. Just don't talk to them in public.. trust me.. you'll get in more trouble than rewarded.

10. The Sign.

    I have a little stuffed animal I put on my bedside table if I am "open to talk" and put it away when I want my privacy. There are some days where you need solid sleep and not to be awoken in case the dream communication gets too heated. I make sure to communicate what this little plushie means. You could make a sign out of paper or use an object like I do. But I would do this only if you get a lot of communications - not if you want to be talked to anytime.

11. Experiment.

    All these suggestions have been part of my experiments. It is ongoing and I will share more when anything else new comes up. I would love to hear what experiments you try - succeed or fail - when it comes to spirits.

Warning

Be careful who you suggest talk to you. If a malignant spirit is in your house - don't ask it to communicate by dreams. Only trusted deceased friends and family. People you know. Not celebrity ghosts either.. some celebrities are horrible people and make even more horrible spirits. This is why I created the exit system I described earlier, and the safe space. Scary spirits are a rarity, but they exist. Not just ones that'll scare you, but there are some that will play with your mind and make your sleep a time to be dreaded. Don't be frivolous. Don't just say out loud: "any spirit, communicate with me" - because that's just reckless. It's like leaving your door unlocked in New York City and leaving a sign that says "come in and say hi!" 

Be careful.

Closing Remarks

Spirit communication through dreams can bring a new sense of adventure to your unconscious hours, but it requires discipline and care. It can happen without any of that, but it is more likely to happen with intention and work. Have respect for yourself and your conversation partner, and make sure that restorative sleep comes first. Your time here is precious, don't let spirits take up more time in your life than is healthy.

    Meaningful conversations that enhance your time here: that is what I look for. Learn as much as you can and experience all you want to experience without hurting others, and your time here will be well spent. You don't need to be rich, famous, influential, or even what society thinks of as productive - as long as you spend your life in a way which peacefully enriches your existence. This is the lesson I get taught the most by spirits. And dreams are a great classroom. Well, either way - it's elating to have tea with your departed nana again or hug your deceased buddy. It can revitalize, uplift, and bring new meaning to life. I hope I can live up to the things I learn from these wise people. I'll try my best.

Thanks for reading, it means a lot to me. Have a wonderful day!

2018 Update

Hello my sweet readers! I will start with a status update of my physical condition, then onto more happy things.

** It would really help me if someone from Europe or the UK could let me know if the cookie warning shows up when you access my blog ** Please :)

Please excuse my grammatical errors.. I figure you want something to read and my stress level dictates how much I can do.. which means my panic of bad grammar stifles my writing.

    Apologies for being absent for so long, it's been a trying time and I have tried my best to reply to mails and messages but of course it's an uphill battle.

My illness, being called Fibromyalgia but the doctors seem to agree it is compounded by an as yet undiagnosed nerve disorder, is still spiraling down. I don't mean to depress anyone or give out a free pass for being absent, I just wanted to update you on what is happening. My fatigue and brain fog is getting to the point where it is difficult to read or write without a lot of serious effort, my pain is severe and constant, and I have a long list of symptoms that just keep accumulating. Mini surgeries, tests galore, and appointments with a myriad of doctors.. 

    BUT - I am hopeful. About six or seven years ago, several of the dead told me something would happen 8 years from that point that would bring improvement to my illness. Maybe it was just so I wouldn't give up hope, but I choose to keep hope. Hope is free of charge, keeps our morale up, helps us look for answers harder, and makes sure we aren't dragging everyone down with a negative attitude.

    I want to write more and I want to explore more of what's out in the big unknown world in which we live. There is so much we don't know and that is quite clear when I see doctors' confused faces when they try and find out what's the deal with my illness. As children, we think adults know everything. As teens, we think we know everything. As adults, we realize - we're all just trying our best to make it through the day. 

    No one person can know everything. So we can't easily collate, compare, analyze, notice discrepancies, exceptions of everything known - imagine what a massive undertaking that would be! Monumental! That means we can't see the forest for the trees most of the time: the picture is incomplete due to our limited brain capacities, truly efficient and non-agenda based networking between minds, and access to untainted facts. So many people have agendas when it comes to information display. Money, fame, power, quid pro quo (like when one person wants their article/book/film/show to have more credence via more people having the same opinion etc) relationships, politics, and so much more come between you and truth. I love open source projects that get rid of negative motives and just work towards something special.

    So what is MY agenda? Sure, I have one - and here it is in order. Mainly I want to have documentation of my experience saved to the Internet and since my memory is foggy due to illness - I can use this blog as a way to remember. Secondly, I want to share this with others in a simple and easy to access way so they can compare their experiences.  Thirdly, I like the fact that I can connect with other human minds and hear their experiences.. nothing makes me feel more proud of my blog than hearing others derive meaning from it. I want us to work together to explore this beautiful and weird world. I certainly don't want to be famous - that has never seemed like a good thing to me. Last, I wouldn't mind having revenue - as being disabled is depressing enough without having no independent income. I want to promise you that I will never distort my experience for revenue.. I'd rather be poor. I don't want cars or big houses or a lavish lifestyle. My illness, in a sad sounding way, stops me from being able to spend money on a lot of things as: I can't travel much, I can't drive, I won't have kids as I don't want to pass the illness on, I am too tired to go on shopping sprees, etc etc.. BUT it doesn't make me sad.. I like my simple lifestyle. What I am trying to say is that if I was rich, the money would be hard to spend. What I mean by wanting revenue is just having enough money to get off disability and providing for myself. Sorry, this sounds like a sales pitch? No.. maybe begging? I am okay!! 

    Alright, not sure where I am going with this.. I like to share what's on my mind too much sometimes. Onto the article.

  

What do Spirits Want from Us? 

I always ask myself about the agendas of people - both living and dead. So what do they want from their audience? 

When it comes to spirits.. things become more simplified. What can they get out of you?

1. Attention:

    Sometimes spirits want someone to notice them. Imagine how lonely it could be if you spend years without encountering one other spirit and nearly no humans can see you? Some spirits isolate themselves from others.. I am not sure why. Some cases are obvious - guilt can cause them to think they are not worthy of having friendship. 

    Sometimes attention is required to prove something to themselves. Some spirits learn how to communicate through sounds, through electronics, dreams, human mediums, etc, and getting your attention is a way to test their progress. Of course this is opinion derived from my experience, as is anything in this blog. 

   Sometimes attention seeking behaviour is childlike, from a child spirit or a spirit that is childlike, and is just attention for attention's sake. 

2. Reaction for Entertainment

    Sometimes, just like humans, spirits want to get a rise out of you. This is pretty simple. A single spirit or a group of spirits can use this as entertainment or even revenge. I have even seen spirits trying to get a two living people to notice each other romantically! But this might fall under other categories. Onwards.

3. Companionship

    A friend. Not just attention for one day, but continued friendship. I treasure my spirit friendships. They are some of the deepest and most intimate relationships someone can have, but can also be detrimental for those who choose to only have spirit friends over living friends. The living need the living. We are learning together and have shared experiences that can help both members. We have PLENTY of time to have spirit friends but a really limited time to have living friends. The afterlife seems infinite, although there is no way to truly know that - infinity is immeasurable. 

4. Fear for a Purpose

    Think stereotypical haunting.. "Get out" "This is my house!" - territorial defense. Not just buildings, places, and things - but people, too. I once saw a sad husband chasing away the suitors of his living wife. The wife came to me asking for help, but there was no reasoning with the husband.. There is something powerful about that sort of commitment, but the wife was left alone. No kids, no lovers.. just an empty house and a spirit husband she couldn't see, hear, or feel. It took another two years for him to move on, after a suitor he thought was 'just like me, he can be my proxy' (to paraphrase)

5. Help the Spirit

    They want you to be their physical presence and do something they can't do. Be it telling a loved one they hid some money for hard times or finding out how they died, there are so many ways spirits can need help.

6. To Spread the Word

    Some spirits are so overjoyed when they learn about the beauty of the afterlife, or some amazing truth that has been out of reach for the living - they want to tell you all about it. This can be detrimental to the living as life is hard and the afterlife SEEMS easier. But again.. whatever struggles you go through in life - give it a chance. Make suicide your last resort. Things can miraculously change and flip from awful to amazing.. and if you kill yourself before then.. well you regret it for a long, long time. Again, the afterlife is a long time and with a different kind of memory - you can remember things crystal clear enough to haunt you for centuries or more. Regret can make a heaven into a hell. BUT sometimes learning that the afterlife is good can help you carry on living.. knowing that something so beautiful awaits you. It has certainly helped me keep a positive attitude.

7. To Help YOU

    This is something I see a lot with my major pain episodes. The days when I am in so much pain, it is a challenge to think of anything else - spirits will come and try to help. Be it to give words of encouragement, to show you what comes as your reward after life, or even to use some of their strange (and rare in my experience) abilities to siphon some pain away. 

Of course there are more things they can get from you, but this is a sampling. The living can want so much more from you. Be wary of those asking exorbitant amounts of money to contact the dead, see the future, give you luck, etc. Try to think about what they want, add up clues of what they are about

What do People in the Psychic Industry want from you?

Here are some things you can add up to find the sum of the person asking you for money, time, items, or favours:

1. Is their website filled with merchandising, advertising and links to partner sites that have more of these things? Of course, some people are tying to make a living, so this clue by itself is not always enough.

2. Do they often say things like "You have to spend money to make money" or similar encouragement to justify high prices. 

3. Is their place of business filled with props? A lot of fakes will set the mood a little too much. Again, this clue by itself is not enough to say they are duping you. Sometimes people like the props, it puts them in the zone. Personally, I don't like them, but that is preference. 

4. Are they dressed in expensive clothing, drive expensive cars, etc? Of course this could just mean they are wealthy from other ventures in their lives.. but if they keep saying they need donation money to survive and they are decked in designer clothes driving a $80k car... It's easy to overlook these things.. it might seem like common sense but some people are great at putting you in a buying mood.

5. Are they suggesting you enroll in a tiered or leveling program? Like you start off as a novice, then build up to adept, and one day become a master.. each level costing more and more money? This is a huge red flag. Some courses might be legitimate but I have yet to find one that guarantees you to be able to speak to spirits. 

6. Do they always ask you to bring more friends? Maybe giving you discount for each friend you bring?

7. Do they say you NEED to read this book or that book?

There are a lot more red flags but I am not saying that just having one of these means you are dealing with a crook. I just mean that things add up.

Alright, that does it for today. I hope to write often, and I treasure your emails even though I might not be able to write back to them. I AM going to feature some emails when I can, as many need to be shared.

Thank you for your continued support. It means a lot and I love each and every moment reading about your thoughts and experiences.

Take care of yourselves and have a wonderful day!