The Spirit's Replayed Memory: Death By Radiation

I have a regular visitor that died of radiation and he brings me back to his death in detail. Reliving his death is one of the most haunting of all the deaths I've been privileged to witness.

Trigger Warning: detailed death, links that could be followed to see extremely disturbing images and text.

**(Contrarily to the Trigger Warning: If you want to read the memory right away, I will highlight that part so just scroll down.)**

Introduction to the So-Far Nameless man

The spirit does not speak a language I know even slightly, he is painfully shy, and tends to stick to a transfer of sense data rather than words or concepts. He is very unusual in his communication methods as he never presents as a fully visible spirit but as a series of sensations, images, emotions.. it took him quite some time to reveal himself to me as a spirit and not just weird visions he's been giving me for decades. (Being a medium is full of moments where you question your own sanity) I don't know the first time he contacted me, as when I was younger I tried not to pay attention to spiritual stuff as much - sharing more my interest in it with friends rather than my experiences as it would elicit one of just a handful of easily guessed responses. But through these shared memories, I would guess it started in the mid 1990s as my curiosity of decoding the senses and images conveyed became a sort of lingering quest.

    I don't remember who it was, be it a friend or young family member, but when I shared certain parts of it - I was accused of watching Terminator and using that scene of the playground and Sarah being disintegrated as the basis for the memory. I figured - maybe they're right, maybe it's just a memory that has been twisted and remade - anything you get scared of has a habit of messing with your brain. Maybe my brain is weird, and ghosts were just my brain's way of dealing with memories.  I didn't have the resources or even the ambition to decode what I was seeing - the Internet was a baby and libraries at school didn't exactly have a section on messed up death.

    As I got older and the Internet became a fertile ground of accessible research material.. I started to learn that my messed up memories contained things that a child of that age probably shouldn't. I still learn new things that back that up - quick example: the blue flashes in the shared experience - called Cherenkov Radiation. 

To start the contact, I remember the concrete floored room, and the burning feeling - just like plugging into an electrical outlet - except instead of electricity - it is memory in horrible sensate technicolour.

The Death Experience Shared

Everything is fine and I hear laughing (tired laughing), I smell stale cigarettes and coffee breath - a tinge of alcohol and halitosis on that breath. The floor is concrete, gray and rough looking. I'm at a table and there are some cards scattered on it - three men sitting at a table. Two are big guys, one smaller slender guy - he has lots of dark fillings in his teeth. There is yellow paint on a nearby concrete column or partition. Chain link - maybe a fence or enclosed piece of equipment? 

The next part happens in a fraction of a second.

I suddenly feel my stomach get heavier - a dropping feeling - a taste in my mouth that reminds me of vomit with copper and some other metal. My lungs feel like I'm being pressed up against a wall. My throat feels stretched, painfully dry? It's not dryness, it's something else. 

I feel exhausted, like my life force is being slowly drained - with no stop or slowing - like a balloon with a leak. My mind starts to realize something is wrong, maybe 3-10 seconds have passed. I try to get up by my legs fail me, like floppy fins instead of legs.. they feel hard - no pain but a hardness even though they work like jelly - like a hard muscle cramp. The rest of my muscles either cramp or burn. My mind is drunk, but I haven't had a drink - not drunk like silly but drunk like my mind is slowing down and confused.

It's hard to breathe. So hard. The air is hot - such dry heat. I try hard to breathe but I am so tired and in so much pain and confusion. Confusion is awful as I know that I should be doing something. Closing a door? Using an extinguisher? No.. buttons. I have to find a button.

Less than a minute has gone by.

I see the eyes of the other men, they have such fear and confusion. The slender guy is down on the ground, he's pissed himself. Can't worry about them.

I see blue lights, like sky blue but more electric, in the corner of my eye. I turn to see if it's help with a flashlight but it isn't. I hear a siren but it's muffled. Everything sounds like it's underwater or muffled by earplugs. My ears feel full and like I need to pop them. More blue lights. 

Breathing not only hurts but makes this thick feeling in my throat and lungs - like dusty lumps are filling them. Scratchy, dusty. My arm hurts. I look down at my arm and it looks like it's glowing.

What the **** am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to press or close or open?

I walk towards the panel - is it a console or just a mechanical switch? I can't tell anymore, my eyes are cloudy blurry messes and I can't see right. My brain is fuzzy and filled with panic and confusion.

I can't tell how long it has been.. but I know now - something went wrong. I know I am not to blame and I know there is nothing I can do. I'm about to die, I think finally, but I don't.

I walk clumsily on my hands and knees, my hands feeling big and bloated like the rest of my body. My knees feel raw. My heart is skipping beats or beating too fast.

I think I hear music but it could just be the siren?

Something touches me, I turn my stiff neck to the right and see one of the big guys - his hairy forearms don't look right - they look like meat. Maybe he fell and scraped it on the concrete floor? It hurts where he touched me. He says something but my ears are so full of something that I can't make it out.

I am so tired, I want to close my eyes but I know if I do I will die. I don't want to die. I look at my friend - coworker - in the eyes and we both understand we're going to die. How long do I have? Two minutes? Four? An hour like this? Can they help me?

In training - they said no. We're done for. 

My breathing hurts so much - I can't describe it. My skin burns. Like the worst sunburn I've ever had but multiplied by a hundred maybe. Maybe more. I feel bursts of tingling like fizzing in my body - it replaces my normal sense of touch.

Am I sweating acid?

I'm so sleepy. I'm so tired. I hurt so much it's all I can think of now.

Something inside me pops. What was that?

The lights go off, or I go blind. Blind, I think, because the reserve lights don't come on. I can't feel my friend's hand anymore. Was it his hand? If  by some miracle I live.. I will be blind. Maybe deaf as I can't hear the siren anymore.

My bones feel like they are being held at each end and bent at the middle until they are just about to snap. Oh God it hurts.

I can't breathe anymore, I'm suffocating. It feels like I'm drowning in boiling air filled with razor sharp cottonballs. Like my lungs just flattened.

Nothing, just panic surrounds me. Dying. How long will it take to die? He waits to die. He momentarily thinks that he could possibly be saved. 

He doesn't know the moment when he dies as it fades from dying to 'alive' again - but that fade took what felt like hours. He didn't even notice when the pain stopped before his death - the memory was still echoing loudly and his mind was reeling. Then joy, relief.. the pain and ordeal was over. His whole being sighed and relaxed in such merciful release. But the memory of the pain would stay with him. He would relive it like watching a movie that includes all the senses. He goes through it over and over trying to piece together the whole moment. Sometimes he remembers it slightly different. Sometimes he wonders if he is himself and one of his friends remembering? Perhaps the memory was altered by whatever happened to him. Maybe I am interpreting his nonverbal thoughts wrong.. it's hard without words. Words would be clearer.

How Long Will It Take To Die?

"How long will it take to die?" Many spirits have that thought. Many deaths have a moment where the being realizes it is dying and then waits for the end to come. They're finally drawing back the unknown curtain and are going to see what is next - but first.. they have to die. That moment is such a massive one.. like a gigantic monolith with only thousands of kilometers of flatlands around it - it stands out in the memories of any being that has thought it. 

    We won't all have that thought - as many of us will die without knowing it. For example: in your sleep - unconscious in a dreamworld - or in a car accident so brutal life is lost in such speed that the line between the two is razor thin. 

    I don't know which is better.. to know you're about to die or just find yourself dead? 

    That Question is palpable to those who experience it.. a moment in their lives that is so stark that it is unlike any other moment in their lives. They know they are about to die and some have time to prepare for it. Sometimes that time can be filled with panic or pain.. but in another article.. I would like to share a time when it was the opposite.. filled with excitement and comfort. 

    Well.. I know what memory I'd rather not relive!

What Did I Just Experience??

I often wonder where this man died, and through research - I think he was Russian or Ex-USSR from what little of the conversation I heard. Maybe this was someplace like the Chernobyl Meltdown? The Kyshtym Disaster? Those two are the most likely places from what I have read of accidents made public.

    It is just as likely that this occurred in a secret location. Nuclear technologies were created and tested in secret during World War II, used in Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945, and then further tested in the Nuclear Arms Race between the years of 1945 all the way to the 1990s and beyond. If you feel like being terrified and have 14 minutes to watch the whole video, an important video presentation by Isao Hashimoto (hosted on AConcernedHuman's YouTube channel) shows every known nuclear bomb tested (land, atmosphere, or underground) in a time lapse format. This doesn't, as far as I know, include smaller incidents - and obviously does not include undisclosed, still secret incidents. Since the US and Russia own the top two ranks (in that order) of these incidents, it doesn't help us much finding where this man's death occurred.

   The man could have been working for any other country. Doesn't mean necessarily that this happened in Russia or countries from the former USSR like the Ukraine. Could be one of the many incidents in the States. 

    The Blue Lights the man recalls - Cherenkov Radiation - This is a little complex and so please forgive my stupidity if I don't quite get it - but basically nothing can go faster than light.. in a vacuum. But in something like water, there is at least something that can go faster: a charged particle like an electron in this case flung by the nuclear reaction. The liquid in our eyes is just such a thing. People who have survived, albeit it experiencing a living hell, have described it just like the memory of the man. 

    Now another thing the blue light could have been was ionized-air glow.. but it is said there would be a strong smell of ozone.. and throughout this, I know how it smells and I don't recall smelling it - although his nose might have had issues smelling it or he didn't recall it. Also, as he moved his eyes, the blue light looked like it moved or at least changed.

    Both these phenomena have been reported, as with other things in the memory, during Criticality Accidents, by those unfortunate enough to have experienced slow radiation death or a life riddled with cancer and other illness caused by radiation exposure.

Another thing we can be sure of is that this was a massive dose of radiation. Whatever accident occurred did not happen in this room. This was not a room with nuclear technology - it was a very basic room. Maybe a watch post or break area for workers to have their lunch and take rest.  

    I have read more detailed accounts of eyewitnesses, and there are a few things that the man's memory did not include that other high radiation exposure witnesses experienced. The big ones are that he didn't vomit or void his bowels.. although the heavy feeling in his stomach could be extreme nausea? Maybe he couldn't feel himself having diarrhea or throwing up? 

    Also, the blue light occurred after the initial heat and sickness wave.. it should have happened concurrently.

    There are other issues, I'm sure, but my brain isn't as sharp as it was. Hopefully soon I will sharpen up through this new therapy I'm on and can revisit this article. 

If you knew this man, or think you know where this man died, let me know. I am working on getting comments on here and but you can always mail me. I know I don't make it easy but it helps weed out a lot of stress for me. Apologies and love for your support.

A Few Concluding Thoughts..

Ever since this man has shown me his death I've been interested in the subject of nuclear technology. Not in a happy can't-wait-to-read-about-this way. Like I want to know all about it for some reason. I'm not sure why. I don't think nukes are cool (although I find cloud blast patterns to be interesting to look at) - quite the opposite. I hope we never see a nuclear war, and I hope testing nuclear weapons will end as soon as possible.
 Most of us have at least a little nuclear energy on our power bills - I live a few hours from a place where there were two incidents - and it is an evil we have to live with for the time being. Solar, Hyrdoelectric, Geothermal, Methane from our wastes... when these take over, and I look forward to when they do, nuclear tech will go the way of coal and oil. And they will go. Eventually.. over a hundred years at least. Nuclear is a relatively clean energy source compared to the bigger methods used around the world - using the nuclear reaction to heat water then get the power from that - but it is scary to think of what could happen - what has happened - when something goes wrong.

The worst part of the nuclear technology is not readily seen: the fallout. The area of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station and the nearby town of Pripyat are still not places humans can live in 32 years after the disaster. And they won't be for a long time. Well - you CAN live there, with increased risk of illnesses like Thyroid Cancer. Animals with mutations are common.. although there is evidence of adaptation to radiation. I really thought the Vice coverage of the area was well done, videos that don't have sensationalized or propagandized content.. in my opinion.

There's a man in the shadow of the Fukushima Disaster who lives there to take care of animals that were left behind after the evacuation. He knows the risks but loves the animals. 

I want to communicate with this deceased man in words. I wish I knew what language he spoke so I could get started learning it. I don't think he wants to speak to me. He just wants to show me his death. I communicate images and concepts of different countries and areas to get his location but I get no response other than more of the memory. When I get more information, I will publish another article.

I feel privileged to have been contacted by him, despite the horror show he put on! Thanks for reading, and I hope someone found something valuable in this!

I will post something for Morgan soon :) A big 50$ donation that brought me unadulterated joy and excitement!!! My second donation thus far and I am humbled.