Purgatory

Sometimes, I get a spirit that say pretty creepy things. Sometimes I am alone in the dark, trying to sleep or meditate or get rid of a migraine - and a spirit will start to settle down near me and speak strange and spooky things. It wouldn't be as spooky if it were not a dead human being - as the implications of the deceased saying some of these things paints a dark picture of what the afterlife can be like for those of us who have major guilt. At least that is the trend I have noticed. Do bad things, feel guilty, die - then go through a bit of a nightmare.

Does that come as comfort for those of us who don't do things like cold blooded murder, rape, and other horrible crimes? I don't know. How long does this personal Hell last? It doesn't seem eternal, from what I have gathered from my many dead conversations. It also doesn't seem like people with mental disorders who commit crimes get as harsh a punishment. Shorter, lighter "sentences" for those who were just born or became criminals by illness.

Who makes these punishments? Well, I can only tell you from experience, but it seems that when we die - we change. Our bodies no longer rule us. What motivated us as the living no longer does in death - and in such a change: we see more clearly. We see what we did in perfect detail. We also seem to partially join all other souls, like we are all linked in a very hard to explain way, and so we experience the pain and suffering we brought upon others from their points of view. We see how we hurt victims' families, friends, partners and feel exactly how much pain we inflicted. I think the ensuing enlightenment from this experience can send souls on a sort of journey for forgiveness from others and from ourselves.

After this review, it seems those who have acted out of hate, greed, pride, wrath, etc - go into a deep depression. How could they have done this? How did they not see the consequences? How did they not feel remorse? This bitter sadness also attracts others like them, and they see as in a mirror: someone like them who deserves to suffer for what they wrought. It's misery loves company - and sometimes this can lead to a ball of souls punishing each other for decades, even centuries. Perhaps that is Hell. Further, some spirits of victims are unable to forgive, and they are attracted to the mess of souls. They become overwhelmed with such thoughts as: "My life was cut short for 50$??" "I was broken my entire life because you couldn't restrain yourself" "My family member committed suicide after I was found!" "I wanted to do so much with my life!" "I studied to become a Doctor, sacrificing so much of my life and I'll never get to be what I wanted!" These victims are so angry that they want to get revenge or at least an answer they never got.

This has always made me sad to see. It can take years for the victims to "Wake up" out of their anger and bitterness. Not as long as the ones that inflicted the pain, but still.. years in this cycle can feel like decades. But they eventually, with the help of loved ones, philanthropic spirits, or even the ones that hurt them. That is a way that those stuck in this Hell seem to be able to leave - reparations. They become helpers, soothers, and can even become good friends of the victim and their loved ones. How amazing is that? The healing is something that lightens my heart, and gives me hope that every single soul can be content.

I have spoken of "Hell" before, most notably with the man who was a serial killer in his living life. It was a nightmare to witness but I am sure even worse to exist in - and there seem to be countless kinds of this hellish place. But is it a hell or is it Purgatory?

Purgatory
Purging negative aspects of the soul is the realm of purgatory in religion, mythology, and philosophy. It is a concept that we can cleanse our souls of crimes and regrets by working through them. It is a place you can graduate or ascend from, not a permanent prison. Like rehab for the soul. From my experience, there doesn't seem to be a true Hell, but more of a Purgatory. Makes sense. I imagine some spirits make take so much time that they have yet to graduate in Earth's history. Some crimes must take decades to even relive through all your victims, and then if you have angered your victims and turned them into vengeful spirits - you have to go through their punishment, lastly succumbing to -your own self-guilt prison. Perhaps it will take someone like Pol Pot or Hitler thousands of years to work through it. Maybe more. Is it right to ever let monsters like them be free and happy? I don't think I'm qualified to answer that - but what I do think is.. if all victims of a crime feel vindicated, all their loved ones, all humans who hate these souls feel revenge is no longer necessary... then perhaps the path to healing can start. Perhaps That Which Made Us has a soft heart, so to speak, and loves all children equally - and equally hopes to purify them. I imagine that being would have to be pretty amazing so it sounds like a complex and high being like that wouldn't want to relegate any of us to the garbage heap forever. I try to keep away from religion here, so I will move on from here.

Guilty Souls
I have come across many guilty souls. Most of them don't even seem to notice me. I can see them, but it's like there is a two way mirror and they can't see me. I think they are so wrapped up in the nightmare that they just don't notice, as I have been able to get the attention of some of them. I end up having to concentrate hard and reach out to them, which is probably not a wise move.. but I get overly curious.
I recall one vividly from my teen years. She had killed someone very dear to her, maybe in the 1920's or 30's but not earlier or later. I remember because I had looked up her clothes and some of the details of her life she had shared. She was seated in a rocking chair in an empty room, looking out a dirty window at rain and dust storms. Her wrists were nailed to the arm rests and her hair was tangled in the dowels of the chair's backrest. At first she didn't notice me, and then I remember being able to push the chair by thinking about it. She turned her head in a neck-break looking position and stared at me curiously. She showed me how she drowned her child. There was no money left, they had lost so much. I saw it thrash in the tub and felt sick to my stomach, pulling myself back from her horrible memory. She told me she relived it constantly. She said days or weeks later someone had offered them a place to stay, food, and jobs. Had she just waited. She also, at the time of the killing, she took pleasure that she wouldn't have to hear it cry anymore or take up all her time. She could sleep again. She had told her husband and family that the baby had drowned as she fainted giving it a bath. The spirit of her husband, parents, and even the child would visit her - but it did nothing to make her feel better. They were over the pain. They were with the baby once more, and the baby had "grown" into an adult. A beautiful being that held no remorse for his mother, but also no attachment.It had once been hurt when others had explained what happened. More hurt once the father died and joined him. The child had missed so much, lost so much. So the woman returned to rocking in her prison chair, looking out the mucky window and thinking about the moment she made the biggest mistake of her existence.
Another spirit, which I hated to my core, was a serial rapist and torturer. I had been at my friend's house together with other friends doing a ouija session.. Now as an adult I know how dangerous inviting random spirits can be - especially those who are attracted to young, naiive kids. I feel bad to say but - I think I couldn't forgive someone like him. His taste in victims were my age at the time, 16-18 year old girls AND boys. Rare, from what I read. Usually serial rapists will just pick a gender. I saw him in the corner of the room sitting on the floor cross legged as my friends asked the board questions and moved the planchette around. He wasn't STUCK in his hell, he seemed to be able to break from it once in a while and look for exactly these moments. Teens on a Ouija. I hadn't seen a naked older man at that age. It was disconcerting and he seemed excited that I was able to see him. I tried to put up some sort of barrier, but I wasn't experienced enough to deal with something like him. He was good at distracting me by scaring me. I called my parents to come pick me up and I tried my best to get this man out of my head. When I thought he was never going to go away, he was surrounded by other spirits. I couldn't make out their forms, they weren't solid - but masses of what looked like ink in water surrounded by smoke. I could see what they were doing to him and felt sick. My heart sank and I felt cold all over - I could feel the abject terror the sickening spirit was feeling. The punishment fit the crime, and I think the souls were parents of the victims, as they kept saying "This is for my baby" and screaming at him things like "you ruined him!" or "you never went to jail for hurting my baby!" - the screams themselves were chilling and bestial. The spirits had pulled him into a room with no doors or windows. It was small, as they knew he was claustrophobic. It kept shrinking and shrinking, and the material of the floor and walls became sharp thorns piecing him. One soul screamed in his ear in Spanish (which I didn't know any of at the time besides Hola) I think, so loud it made his ears bleed. They forced him to live as his victims once the room was form fitting, like a coffin around his bleeding form. The pain, the terror, every sensation and ugly deed was done to him. He had so many victims. I wanted to leave, but I was stuck. It was a very long 20-40 minutes of this. I felt the love and warmth from those souls, I think they had been searching for him - and they were happy to take him away from me and my friends. I felt that they would keep a better eye on him from now on, but that the Ouija had brought him out of whatever prison they had made for him. Another danger. Remembering this night still brings chills to my spine and nausea - alongside the hope I can forget the incident while still remembering to stay away from reaching out to random spirits.
Lastly for today, there was a child. He had hurt many people and died before his 21st birthday. It was 1986 (I recall that date but could be off) when he died, in his beat up old Saab in a field, when he had too much to drink. Alcohol poisoning. Unlike the previous two spirits, he had not done what most people would consider evil. More cruel or mean. He had played many girls and broken their hearts, taken their virginity with consent through outright lies of loving them. He was a bully. He even bullied his younger sister and made her life difficult. He bullied even his friends. He had made his parents see his body in their field, void bowels and vomit - bloated in the summer heat. They knew he didn't have a license but never punished him for driving without it. Giving him money to buy the beloved used black Saab with a tape deck. Even his sister cried at his funeral. Alcohol poisoning. His father didn't even know he had had his first drink. His mother thought he was just going through a phase. His mother's memories filled him when he died, and continued to flood him as she lived in such heartache. The girls he had lied to and cheated on were further broken and wished they hadn't been so angry at him. He was just a guy, they said. As he saw the love in the sweet hearts of those he had hurt, he began to hate himself, hate what he did. He became obsessed with their lives and hated that he couldn't apologize or help them. When his sister was hit by a car in her 30s, he sat by her bedside at the hospital as she screamed in pain and wished he could have helped her. The Purgatory he was in was watching all these people. Sometimes I reach out to him and try and see if he is still suffering, and when I do connect.. he is still the same. Tortured, worried, regretful. I am sure that when his family dies, they will tell him to be at ease and at rest. He's so far from resting in peace now, that I hope he can find it well before his loved ones are dead. He also had to see one of his friends suffer of cancer, lung cancer specifically, and he blames himself for starting the kid on filter-less cigarettes. I don't think, in this case, that there is anyone but him (Jerry) keeping him in this prison. I think it is all him, regretting and self punishing. I am sure all those he hurt would forgive him in a heart beat. Maybe his lung cancer friend will join him soon, but hoping for that isn't a good thing. We all need to live as long as we can, because the other side can wait.


Ending Remarks
I have seen spirits ancient and young, and feel like there is no end to the afterlife. In a place where space and time are no longer as rigid as during life, we live on. Suffering is temporary, but can be made shorter by atonement and acts of forgiveness. In life, we can avoid hurting others or ourselves, thus warding off a stay in this soul rehab. We can also atone for what we have done or will do that we can't help, and find forgiveness in those we have wronged. We can think through situations to make sure we have something to apologize for and make sure we aren't holding a grudge on someone who has asked for forgiveness or a chance to earn that forgiveness. I know I have begged forgiveness enough since I witnessed what harm it can do to not do so - mostly out of a selfish desire not to suffer but also because I don't like to see others suffer. I am not above making mistakes, no one is.. I think the best thing to try and minimize the damage and repair what has been broken to the best of our abilities. Knowing that there is a system in place to cleanse us of those sins can be assuring, but also daunting as the road to purgation is long and hard. I hope I can be good to those around me, and know when it is time to make peace and forgiveness.

Thank you for reading, you give me purpose and help me to feel like I am contributing when my illness can be so restrictive to my productivity. I hope you are safe, comfy, and free from suffering. Have a lovely week!

Spirit Messages for May

* Some swearing in this post *

Before I continue with the noise series, I wanted to get some spirits' messages out. Half because I think it's important, and the other half so I can sleep easier without them pressuring me to do so ;) I want to make this a monthly series, or at the very least seasonal. As always I appreciate your input on the matter. I have also decided to post a link to my email on the site, and will dig through the spam -I value your input and thoughts more than I hate spam digging 😉 It will appear soon. Wish me luck!

    I will not spell or grammar check the messages in case the mistake is on purpose or part of their writing/speaking style. Sorry for the mess.

    Also coming up - a reader's letter about a famous cocaine kingpin that may be the identity of one of the spirits that contacted me. I hope to do this before summer, but I had some friends help me with research and my mails keep getting bounced back from the sender. Just thought to mention as it is pretty exciting.

Message One:
Tell Nancy I love her. Greek Nancy. The one with the curly hair and a dimple below her right eye. I want to see her again but I can't find her. Please if you are out there.. please remember me. I died when you were 9. My name started with a G.. I think. It's been a while. Thanks.

Message Two:
I didn't die by drug overdose. The media was fed lies again and didn't fact check deep enough. I remember feeling nauseas and throwing up this foamy beige mess - they took pictures of me and put me on the internet. Those fucks. I was murdered. My sister (I think the spirit calls her Charlene but I could be wrong - I will research this for later) knows who did it. It was poison, the police thought so but they got to me too late. I can see my sister on the computer.. and she had to see my death pictures.. what the fuck human kind. It wasn't even educational. They laughed at me. I did drugs, sure, but goddamn nothing like that. I was always careful, never came close to death. I had money in the safe place. I want you to know, sis, I wasn't overdosing or trying to kill myself. Mom's here and she says she loves you. She hates it when I swear. Montana is here too. Linda was here, but she's been gone a while. To my fans - I wouldn't kill myself. You were such a big part of my life, I was happy and I was about to propose. Ask Ken. Thanks and peace.
Notes: I don't think he was a huge star or anything, but an up and coming. In his 20s or very early 30s. Curly black hair. Dark eyes, mocha skin. Nice guy. Smells like fruity licorice.

Message Three:
Okinawa. You were there with me. Thank you old man. I was 16. I still am. We were a mess. I can't believe you have great grand kids.. you look like my grandpa. You made good kids and good grandkids and good great grand kids. I was with you teaching him to fish, that was me who herded the fish your way. I am still in Okinawa, thanks to you. I would have hated to have been a POW like you, did you feel me? I was next to you the whole time. We all were. Hands on your shoulders and we cried. We can still cry. My mother... you didn't have to be so nice to her, thank you. You took good care of her until she came to me. Father, too. They were proud of me but I wished I had done things differently. Maybe I would be a great grandpa, too. But I am happy, you need to know that. I'm not being tortured by demons or anything like that. It's like Father's house, only bigger - the garden too. We visit a lot with the old boys. They have trouble talking to the living. Some went off and didn't want to see us. You can sell your war junk. Sell your stupid collections. Your family wants to see you health and so do we. Your sister is here sometimes, I loved her you know! I think she loves me but I am too much of a coward to ask. Maybe sometime, then I will treat her well. Cancer she died of, near her heart inside her lungs. I have to go soon. Lots of people here. Don't join me before your time, so sell your collections and get help soon for your sickness. Goodbye and see you when your turn is up.
And stop wearing jeans you look ridiculous they are too tight for an old man! (he laughs)
Notes: this is a Japanese man, a handsome man with a short bowl cut hairdo which he says the old man will understand - he has deep brown eyes and piano players' hands. He died from an explosion in Okinawa. His English is impeccable.

Message Four:
"Day. Come." ( I hear a bus on a busy street) "Get ready. Come."
A woman, yelling as if across a street. She has puffy brown hair, white skin, hazel green eyes, pink shirt with a deep collar, blue jeans rolled up at the calves. I have no idea what she's talking about, but it's not asking someone to jump in front of a bus! She has lotto tickets in one hand. She then sits at a table with a single candle and smiles. A gorgeous woman. She can't talk, it's hard for her. The table is circular, wooden (hard wood, dense grain) - rooster salt and pepper shaker. She shows a ouija board. Laughs - looks like she's laughing. Bare feet. I hear a dog barking. It's late 70s early 80s fashion, cars, and decor in these images. Patty. Lauren. Toaster. Smell of toast. She's in love. Movie reel. Rope, thick rope. Car, American brand, Chevy - big wide muscle car. Umbrella with Donald Duck. Happiness. Sunshine. Newspaper folded in four. Reading it, she puts her feet up on the dash.. waiting. The last thing she ever did. Barefoot still. In that outfit of pink shirt and jeans rolled. Howling. Sirens. Hay. "Hey!" "Get up - RUN AWAY!" she hollers, so sad. "Don't go! Don't go." "Please let me be. Let me go" Mechanical sounds. Like a tow truck maybe? Loud truck either way. "Alright." "What I want is you" Loud street sounds. Coffee. A diner. Red and white diner. Horn honking. Crows cawing. Frogs chirping. Driving her to the hospital fast. Too late, Richard. Let me go. Gravel road, down south. Such back pain. The sound of her drinking from a water canteen. Mountains, forest path, climbing up the path with you. Oh God, what a beautiful sight. A bear. We saw a bear. Probably a grizzly but it didn't see or smell us. Pine cones roasting. Bracelet. Making her tired, I have to go soon. Believe in me. Believe me. You don't believe I'm still her, I am. I am not alive like you.. but I am here. I think. I feel. I'm happy. But I miss you. Coffee mug, ceramic, cat cartoon on it. Flowers. Thank you. It'll take time to forgive but time is meaningless now. Have to let her go. See you, see you Richard. Love you. I gave her a headache. Shit. Mail her when you read this. It'll be a while before you do, but do it. ok. Bye.
Notes: this was a very dreamlike communication. Difficult and start/stop and painful. I wonder why. I have seen this before but each time it catches me off guard.

    That's it for now. I am sad I couldn't do more, but she did give me a headache. No hard feelings, it happens all the time. Next post is coming up soon and I am working on making a schedule so you know when to check it.

   I hope this helps someone, that would be great. I chose these four spirits as they were very different from each other, but also because they seemed in a rush.
   I hope to one day have a forum where you can send photos of your loved ones for me to channel.

Be well and happy and cozy my friends.