Trigger warning: suicide, death. This is a hard subject but one I feel is very important.
It is truly tragic when humans suffer so deeply that there seems to only be one path in front of them. We feel alone, scared, or sometimes just "done." Maybe we all feel this way at one point or another, but some of us make that terrible journey. There are commonalities to these experiences, ardent regret, the most potent being the need to stop people from following in their footsteps.
I was asked to communicate with spirits and relay their answers to specific questions. What I want to share are the answers to the questions. It was truly amazing to see the fast response, the eagerness, the focus of these spirits. And it was beautiful to see how much they truly cared.
*I left the typing/spelling mistakes from the communication in case they bear meaning and also I want readers to know what to expect when receiving messages from spirits. It is fast, frenzied, and it isn't easy. It takes decades and fast typing to keep up with them, especially when they have a LOT to say. Spirits have to force themselves to slow down just to say anything to the living.
- we are disabled by physical laws perhaps? The boundaries of flesh and bone compared to the meeting of energies. *
So here it is, I am honoured to show you the unedited (uncensored) conversation from a reading about suicide.
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Charley says: "I was 29 when I hung myself. I suffered from spina bifida, parkinson's and pain which drove me to drink. I took steroids for the pain and inflammation. I took heavy narcotics. I slept under heavy sedatives. Hanging myself seemed like a fast choice, but it easn't. it was hard and painful and took so long. I was awake when they found me, but dead. My mom found me and she screamed so loud. I wanted to apologize I wanted to scream back that i was still here but couldn't. All I could do was swing back and forth as she broke down. she is still alive and I hear her screaming still. that was 8 years ago. the pain stopped and my body was young again. i met my grandfather who was in the war when he died. i saw the world without the lens of pain. but i could always hear my mother my brother and my sister crying. my father would say hate things at me. he once called my name eleven times to make sure i was listneing and he called me a coward and a thief for stealing his life away. my grandmother prayed each night for my mother and talked to me. she was and is my only i
comfort about what i did. she feels me there and tells me she forgives me and understands and apologizes for parkinsons since it comes from her side of the family. My dog still sees me. she is so old she is going to die soon and I hope she comes to me. i have met a lot of people that have killed themselves, not everyone has the same experience. please think hard before you do this. i don't think my family will ever forgive me besides my grandmother. life is so short. the afterlife is so long. I mad a mistake I know but I don't know if I would stop myself if I could go back in time. many spirits look down on me for what i did and many feel sorry for me many more just don't care they have their own stories." he finishes by "let her know many people care both here and alive people. I should have tried everything before suicide. Everything and seeing as many doctors as I can. I would have moved to a place with free healthcare. I could have been a test subject. I could have had those new implants. fuck I could have done so many things now that i see clearly. i have so many regrets. at least i should have waited a few years before i did it. I should have told my family and hear their suggestins. i hope she makes the right choice."
Linda says, "I don't regret what I did. I was alone and in pain so much it was all I did. i was old and suffered my life with this and paid my dues to society. at 89 it was a no brainer. no one was there to visit me no one was there to mourn me and i had no friends besides thenurse i saw every day. i thought about it all my life but i am glad i waited. i got to see so many interesting things and touch and smells and taste. i miss food and how it tastes on my tongue but every spirit misses that. we can eat but it's like eating in a dream. not always the same taste you expect or texture. my pain didn't go away until a year after i killed myself. well the nurse helped me, bless nurses. the doctor was okay with it too. i don't know why it took so long for the pain to go away after i died but some spirits say it is like a phantom limb for amputees. i met a young lady who still feels pain sometimes after a decade of being dead, she died of cancer at 25. lovely girl. she feels it so bad sometimes but her family is there and many friends. she says it gets better. but i have met some who die and their pain is gone right away. i am happy i can dance again, laugh hard again, walk for as long as i want. oh and there are some who feel pain now but had none when they were alive! think about that, how strange life is. I have seen many things on earth before and afterr my death and the most powerful is courage and love. please think this though and know i understand. i see many people around me waiting to talk so i will go now. be good."
"Dandy" says: "I was in aeronautics when i was diagnosed with liver cancer. Never had a drop to drink in my life, never ate fatty foods beyond the odd chip bag a week. I flew and I repaired planes. I flew a Bowing 747 (not sure if this is the number.. he is hard to hear and will not channel through me.) for the better part of nine years. oh god if you haven't seen the world from a plane, you need to. My advice isn't like these other people. I didn't have pain for as long as some of them, and I wasn't sad or lonely or frankly, I think my family was happy with my choice. I don't want to get into the details of it too much, but it was a doctor who helped me and my family was all around me - it was beautiful. But once I died, geez the waterworks lasted for weeks. my daughter is the hardest to live with my being dead.. she cried every night and lots during the day and went to the school shrink and cried some more and cried here and there and everywhere. I would try my damnedest to let her know I was there, she even did ouijie to try and contact me. it wasn't me, it was her stupid friends. Anyways, this isn't my advice. the others will tell you about that I'm sure, all the crying. My advice is that you do a lot of things before you die. I went on vacation with my family, get inssurance for hospitals, we had parties and when I was too sick to do much we had movie and show marathons at the hospital from my stupid little metal bed. My daughter sat at my side and chose a lot of the movies. I hate twilight but i loved the smiles on my girl's face when she watched them. We even started watching game of thrones, I wouldn't have let her watch that normally but this was a special occasion. I see the medium is watching it, she has the dvds on the coffee table (he's talking about me). I still watch shows from here, just have to know who is going to watch and when. Usually my daughter watches it over and over and of course cries a lot, but she says it is so I can see it. I watch movies with her too, but I think most of her believes I am not really theree. that I am just gone into nothingness. She can't feel me. Back to it, so do what you need to do before. Make a list, a calendar of dates to do things, make it like an appointment or job. Watch what you need to watch - oh read what you need to read because that's the hardest thing to do entertainment wise. Make a list of the books you want to read. Classics are the ones I wished I read more and mysteries and non fiction. We went to Bangkok where I met her mother. Toured Egypt - wow those pyramids and sphinxes and statues! I was sick as a dog but loved it. so hot. we were about to see the waterfalls at niagara before I got too sick to travel. But we made these posters with the photographs of our trips and hung them on my hospital room walls. so many flowers. liver cancer. cancer is a bastard. I wish I had done those runs and other charity drives for it. My wife does them now. sometimes my daughter when she can. I can't wait to see the again and let them know I was watching the whole time, yes the whole time Melissa! Maybe they'll read this one day. Pot is still bad for driving. Oh I can't punish her for it, that makes me mad. Back to advice. Tell your family about it first, let them help you. Otherwise they'll feel like they could have done something but you didn't let them and it'll rot them from the inside out. Think about them the most, because once you do it - there is no going back. It took five minutes for me to die, scariest thing in my life, but after that the pain was gone. I found a suicide counsellor who made me do all the steps beforehand, like I,ve been saying about telling your family, trying new things, travelling, etc - all so that I could be prepared and have a clean conscience. They say dying is better if you do it right and don't take dark secrets to your grave. My gravestone is beautiful, by the way. they did a good job. I have to go, just think about it a lot. Give yourself a lot of time before the deadline, sorry for the pun."
She says: "Don't do it. I can't tell you that enough times. Such sorrow and such loss. It is a mess. I suffer no pain here but the emotional pain I feel is so great I would gladly trade it for pain. Maybe I forget how bad the pain was but I feel so guilty and I miss my family so much I wish I had more time talking to them. That's all."
Andrew or Andy Rue - his communication is mainly pictures and movie like scenes. This is a hard one to read, you might want to skip it, These are all hard but this one hit me hard. But I asked for advice and this spirit was adamant.
I see a blushing bride, smiling, I see a groom smiling. I see twenty adults around them, and twelve children. The kids are smiling, some have missing teeth from their baby teeth leaving them. I see a drum kit, I see a drummer. He's very good. I see him crying in the next "scene" and beating the wall with his fist. I see him injecting drugs, legal drugs, maybe insulin, by pinching his belly and injecting the needle sideways into the flesh. I see him limping and using a cane. I see a tween aged girl helping him walk. I see her injecting too, herself not him. She's still smiling. She's blonde, green eyes with bluish rims, cross necklace. I see the bride is now doing dishes when the man falls down and she goes to him. White stuff is coming from his mouth, looks like an epileptic fit. She calls emergency and an ambulance gets him. Next the doctor has a brain scan and is showing it to the man and woman. The man is sad, the wife is sad, the doctor is rude but gives them a card, they take the card and look less sad. When they are watching tv here, it is a CRT (older tv) and the remote control is Huge, I am thinking this is the 80s but they might just not be up to date.. it doesn't matter sorry. They are watching and holding hands, the man has a shaved square on his head, the right side about 2 by 2 inches or 5 x 5 centimetres (I know cent better, so closer to that) and there are red dots in the patch. The man next is screaming at the woman. I can't hear anything in this dreamlike communication but it looks like they are arguing spitefully. She screams back. He almost throws a dish at her but stops himself and looks down at his hands and starts crying very hard - spit coming down and tears dropping on his cheeks. The woman comes to comfort him. They hug while he cries. In the kitchen there is a Felix the Cat clock, and I see its time telling arms aren't moving. I don't know if this is important, it might be to identify this man, no idea. Next I see them in bed and he is shaking, crying, drooling. his hair has grown back but there is another shaved part on behind and to the right of the last area. His wife is calling the doctor again. I see a flash of dozens of hospital visits like this. Then lastly I see him dangling from the garage door tracks in his garage as his daughter goes to get her bike. His whole head is bald and there are red dots everywhere, scarring, some new and some scabbed over. His daughter screams and it is the first thing I hear, she makes these weird sounds. A little boy of about five to six years old runs and the girl tries to cover his eyes but she is too late and he runs to the father and tries to wake him up and he's also screaming Dad! Dad! Stop it! Dad! It's horrible to watch. The wife isn't home, as she arrives much later. The girl and boy couldn't get their father down. The spirit is of the man, I'm sure now as he is appearing in front of me. He's sad, the memory of his children finding him is playing over and over again. For a split second he shows me what nightmarish pain he went through - like the worst migraine I have ever had at least tripled. Hard nausea. Dizziness. I ask him why he doesn't say words but he doesn't answer. I ask him if he regrets it and he shrugs and looks very sad. I sense he is unsure, that both things are equal - the relief and the sorrow - but the memory of his children finding him goes through my mind again and again before he waves and leaves.
Next is Bakeer or Backeer or Bakheer or something that sounds like that. I asked him to spell it out but it was in I think Arabic. He understands English almost perfectly, but can't read it well or write it well. When I spelled the third name Bakheer he nodded like he recognized it from something. He has a strong accent that sounds a little British but he assures me he's never been to the UK. I am going to try and interpret what he communicates as it is fast and direct - some in English but most in direct thought.
I asked him why he killed himself.
He was very sick. He always had a kind of a cold, he couldn't walk because of pain in his legs - he could feel them fine but whenever he applied pressure to his feet and legs it would be this sharp jolt of pain. I think he lived in Dubai or a place like it. The pain from his legs was so bad that laying in bed, filled with morphine as much as his body could tolerate it, he would be unable to sleep even with the sedative effects of morphine. It was his legs up to his lower back at the top of the tailbone connecting to the spine. He couldn't lay on a side that felt okay, it was a little better laying on his stomach with pillows under his belly and that is how he slept the little that he could. Without medication he was in so much pain that breathing in and out drew tears from his eyes and often he would vomit twice or even three times a day even with anti nausea medication. He had enough when his wife could no longer care for him and they considered a home for the sick. His dignity wouldn't handle anymore "shame" from this illness. I then asked him if he regretted it.
He shook his head and said "no I was no longer a man but a beast of pain" as his every thought revolved around pain and symptoms and fear this his illness would cause harm to his family. He said he waited long enough.
I then asked him for his advice to someone considering it.
"Know your limit" he says, "you would be surprised at how tough you can be" He sends me thoughts of all the times he considered suicide, even though his strong faith was staunchly against it, he waited and waited and did what he could. He showed me many things he accomplished - his house was now finished, beautiful and unique, perfect for his family; I see art (he was a fan of architectural Art Deco) and music on sheets; I see a short book and a long book; I see an amazing garden of succulent plants. There is more but I don't quite understand what it is, seems like financial papers and I see a stack of yellow and blue papers? He is proud. He is saying that people should do all they possibly can until they can't do anymore.
He (paraphrased as it is half words and half thoughts) says, thinking of suicide made his life better as he always felt like each day was his last. For twenty years he thought about it, and did more in those twenty years than he had done all his life. He was 53 when he was helped to die, and he started thinking about it when he was 33 and had his second (or third, not sure as he is showing me lots of kids and some aren't his but nephews and nieces) child. Each day he would think about it like "today is the day" but then he would see himself as a warrior fighting back death and saying, "not today, I have things I can still do!" He says anyone considering suicide must tell death as often as they can to (I think he's saying F--k Off but in another language) until there is nothing left for him to do. He says if you can think of something other than pain at all during your day, wait.
I told him about your questions, he will answer them, too, he insists.
"Have you ever met a spirit suicide due to chronic pain that is unbeatable to stand, unable to continue a normal life." To this he answered, "life a not normal life if you find you can say no to death for one more year, month, day, or even hour. Find your inner warrior and ask him if he can help you. If you can no longer be a warrior, then wait five months before you do it, tell your closest loved person, and let them help you to die, do not do it yourself!"
"Did they really escape the pain and not regret it?"
He answers, "I escaped the pain but it took a little while. My mind was so used to it and my soul couldn't let go. I do not regret it because I know I fought my hardest."
"
If you are considering suicide, please tell your loved ones, liked ones, and seek a suicide prevention crisis team. Listen to what the spirits said: allow those close to you a chance to help, always make sure to try everything you can before the permanent choice sends you into regret for a long time after death.
Being in a physical body seems like being in the womb. We need to stay in here as long as possible so we can truly be free when our time comes.
Hang in there as long as you can and know there are so many who care - even if you can't see them.